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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Arm & Hammer Representative Starting To Wonder What He's Doing At SXSW

AUSTIN—Saying that he was initially excited to attend South by Southwest, Arm & Hammer representative John Meyers told reporters Tuesday that he’s now uncertain how exactly the leading manufacturer of baking soda fits into the music, film, and interactive festival. “My boss gave me some explanation about why I was going—something about giving people an interactive household products experience—and it kind of made sense at the time, but now I’m a little confused,” said Meyers, 44, who spent the entire day Monday at the Arm & Hammer station handing out free baking soda and toothpaste. “I mean, we have a Facebook and Twitter account, but our web presence is pretty muted compared to what most of these people are talking about. Folks seem to appreciate the free deodorant, though.” At press time, Meyers was remaining mostly silent while seated on a panel entitled “Hardware Hacking: From DIY to Revenue.”

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