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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.
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Arm & Hammer Representative Starting To Wonder What He's Doing At SXSW

AUSTIN—Saying that he was initially excited to attend South by Southwest, Arm & Hammer representative John Meyers told reporters Tuesday that he’s now uncertain how exactly the leading manufacturer of baking soda fits into the music, film, and interactive festival. “My boss gave me some explanation about why I was going—something about giving people an interactive household products experience—and it kind of made sense at the time, but now I’m a little confused,” said Meyers, 44, who spent the entire day Monday at the Arm & Hammer station handing out free baking soda and toothpaste. “I mean, we have a Facebook and Twitter account, but our web presence is pretty muted compared to what most of these people are talking about. Folks seem to appreciate the free deodorant, though.” At press time, Meyers was remaining mostly silent while seated on a panel entitled “Hardware Hacking: From DIY to Revenue.”

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