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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Arm & Hammer Representative Starting To Wonder What He's Doing At SXSW

AUSTIN—Saying that he was initially excited to attend South by Southwest, Arm & Hammer representative John Meyers told reporters Tuesday that he’s now uncertain how exactly the leading manufacturer of baking soda fits into the music, film, and interactive festival. “My boss gave me some explanation about why I was going—something about giving people an interactive household products experience—and it kind of made sense at the time, but now I’m a little confused,” said Meyers, 44, who spent the entire day Monday at the Arm & Hammer station handing out free baking soda and toothpaste. “I mean, we have a Facebook and Twitter account, but our web presence is pretty muted compared to what most of these people are talking about. Folks seem to appreciate the free deodorant, though.” At press time, Meyers was remaining mostly silent while seated on a panel entitled “Hardware Hacking: From DIY to Revenue.”

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