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Armageddon Preparedness Tips

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Charles Koch Orders Sniper To Fire Warning Shot Next To Marco Rubio On Debate Stage

GREENVILLE, SC—In response to the presidential candidate’s unsatisfactory answer to a question about the economic effects of environmental regulations, Koch Industries CEO Charles Koch reportedly ordered a sniper positioned in the rafters of the Greenville Peace Center to fire a warning shot near Marco Rubio’s podium during Saturday’s Republican debate.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Armageddon Preparedness Tips

  • Take some time off work and spend your last days free from the bonds of the oppressive and culturally devoid institution that was just about the only thing giving you a purpose to your otherwise insignificant days.
  • Spend your final waking minutes before the end of the world with your family, knowing fully well you’d rather be doing a number of other gratifying yet completely depraved things, right sicko?
  • Make sure your linens are clean prior to the upcoming catastrophe, while always reminding yourself that these are likely the very same sheets on which you will likely soon be slowly asphyxiating.
  • Spend your final waking minutes before the end of the world with your family, knowing full well that any of the innumerable fulfilling things you could be doing will just never match up to this.
  • All the animals are going to be killed too, so you might as well go to the zoo and find out what Panda steak tastes like.
  • Tell that special person how much you've always hated them
  • You never know if hostile alien generals like high-fives unless you go for it.
  • Put Road Warrior in your Netflix queue for cool, post-apocalyptic hairstyle ideas.

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