SALEM, OR—Saying their respective justifications were “good to go” whenever necessary, local couple Mark Wondrich, 25, and Cara Marshall, 27, reported Friday that they each have a comprehensive list of reasons why they should break up with the other on standby.
- Take some time off work and spend your last days free from the bonds of the oppressive and culturally devoid institution that was just about the only thing giving you a purpose to your otherwise insignificant days.
- Spend your final waking minutes before the end of the world with your family, knowing fully well you’d rather be doing a number of other gratifying yet completely depraved things, right sicko?
- Make sure your linens are clean prior to the upcoming catastrophe, while always reminding yourself that these are likely the very same sheets on which you will likely soon be slowly asphyxiating.
- Spend your final waking minutes before the end of the world with your family, knowing full well that any of the innumerable fulfilling things you could be doing will just never match up to this.
- All the animals are going to be killed too, so you might as well go to the zoo and find out what Panda steak tastes like.
- Tell that special person how much you've always hated them
- You never know if hostile alien generals like high-fives unless you go for it.
- Put Road Warrior in your Netflix queue for cool, post-apocalyptic hairstyle ideas.