Armageddon Preparedness Tips

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Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Armageddon Preparedness Tips

  • Take some time off work and spend your last days free from the bonds of the oppressive and culturally devoid institution that was just about the only thing giving you a purpose to your otherwise insignificant days.
  • Spend your final waking minutes before the end of the world with your family, knowing fully well you’d rather be doing a number of other gratifying yet completely depraved things, right sicko?
  • Make sure your linens are clean prior to the upcoming catastrophe, while always reminding yourself that these are likely the very same sheets on which you will likely soon be slowly asphyxiating.
  • Spend your final waking minutes before the end of the world with your family, knowing full well that any of the innumerable fulfilling things you could be doing will just never match up to this.
  • All the animals are going to be killed too, so you might as well go to the zoo and find out what Panda steak tastes like.
  • Tell that special person how much you've always hated them
  • You never know if hostile alien generals like high-fives unless you go for it.
  • Put Road Warrior in your Netflix queue for cool, post-apocalyptic hairstyle ideas.


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