Army Commander Depressed After Reading Facebook Comments On Latest Raid

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KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Checking the Defense Department’s official Facebook page Monday to browse updates and comments from users, U.S. Army Col. Peter R. Maloney Jr. reportedly grew depressed as he read the feedback on his infantry brigade’s latest raid. “They’re calling my whole anti-insurgency mission in Helmand province ‘amateurish’ and ‘unoriginal’?” said the despondent officer, who admitted he was disappointed the Pentagon’s post on the raid had received only 84 likes. “Wow, they did not like this one. Clearly the bigger picture in this whole thing went way over their heads. Just goes to show that we’re waging war for the lowest common denominator over here.” At press time, sources confirmed Maloney had begun insisting the raid was “total click bait” and asked his brigade’s social media manager to re-promote it on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest later in the day.