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Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
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Army General Conducts Exhaustive Sex Probe

LANGLEY, VA—Vowing not to leave a single cadet unexamined, U.S. Army General Edwin B. Schumacher announced Monday that he "will personally conduct the deepest, most exhaustive sex probe in modern military history." The four-star general said he will probe every enlisted man and woman in the U.S. Army, and added that he had already begun the probe at last Saturday night's Stag Ball at the Langley Air Force Base. Pvt. Avery MacCormack said: "I will willingly submit to the general's probe as ordered, but I hope it does not interfere with the sex probes I am also currently undergoing from my company commander, drill sergeant and battalion leader."

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