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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Army General Conducts Exhaustive Sex Probe

LANGLEY, VA—Vowing not to leave a single cadet unexamined, U.S. Army General Edwin B. Schumacher announced Monday that he "will personally conduct the deepest, most exhaustive sex probe in modern military history." The four-star general said he will probe every enlisted man and woman in the U.S. Army, and added that he had already begun the probe at last Saturday night's Stag Ball at the Langley Air Force Base. Pvt. Avery MacCormack said: "I will willingly submit to the general's probe as ordered, but I hope it does not interfere with the sex probes I am also currently undergoing from my company commander, drill sergeant and battalion leader."

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