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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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'Army Of One' Campaign Attracting Troubled Loners To Military

WASHINGTON, DC–The Army's new "Army Of One" campaign is attracting millions of troubled loners, recruitment officials said Monday. "Historically, Army enlistees are creepy, antisocial drifters," said Sgt. Glenn Decinces of the Army's Recruitment Office. "After years of trying to attract stable, achievement-oriented young patriots with the slogan 'Be All You Can Be,' we finally gave up and decided to consciously go after the freakos we've always drawn."

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