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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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'Art Imitates Life Imitates Art,' Remarks Man Trapped In Art Museum

PITTSBURGH—After being inadvertently trapped in the Carnegie Museum of Art following closing time Thursday, local man Simon Oresick, 57, remarked to himself that art and life do seem, at times, to be inextricably linked to one another in a mutually imitative relationship. “It is curious to note the way in which art reflects the vagaries of existence and the human condition, just as existence itself often seems to directly echo or reflect the motifs expressed in art,” pondered the frantic, nearly hysterical man as he bounded down a service stairwell and repeatedly threw his weight against a door labeled “street exit.” “For instance, is it I who am trapped in this museum, or the pieces of art that currently surround me? Or both? And who is the original author of this entrapment: the work of art, or the person who views said work of art?” At press time, the distraught, captive Oresick was attempting to jimmy open a stairwell window with his car keys while contemplating the twin theories of both art as a form of escape and escape as a form of art.

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