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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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'Art Imitates Life Imitates Art,' Remarks Man Trapped In Art Museum

PITTSBURGH—After being inadvertently trapped in the Carnegie Museum of Art following closing time Thursday, local man Simon Oresick, 57, remarked to himself that art and life do seem, at times, to be inextricably linked to one another in a mutually imitative relationship. “It is curious to note the way in which art reflects the vagaries of existence and the human condition, just as existence itself often seems to directly echo or reflect the motifs expressed in art,” pondered the frantic, nearly hysterical man as he bounded down a service stairwell and repeatedly threw his weight against a door labeled “street exit.” “For instance, is it I who am trapped in this museum, or the pieces of art that currently surround me? Or both? And who is the original author of this entrapment: the work of art, or the person who views said work of art?” At press time, the distraught, captive Oresick was attempting to jimmy open a stairwell window with his car keys while contemplating the twin theories of both art as a form of escape and escape as a form of art.

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