adBlockCheck

Best Of January 2015

Modern-Day Lancelot Offers To Pay For Abortion

ST. LOUIS—His seed having taken hold within the loins of his beloved, modern-day Lancelot Aaron Grimaldi selflessly proffered a goodly portion of his wages Wednesday to pay for his fair lady Kelly Webster’s abortion.

Family Lets Cars Come Inside House During Snowstorm

AMHERST, MA—In anticipation of significant snow accumulation and frigid temperatures brought on by a massive winter storm, the Wallace family reportedly decided to let their cars come inside the house Monday to keep warm during the blizzard.

Chicago Introduces New Citywide Gun-Sharing Stations

CHICAGO—Touting the program’s convenience and affordability, Chicago officials unveiled Monday the city’s new gun-sharing service, “QuikShot,” which allows individuals to check out a loaded firearm for short periods of time. ...
End Of Section
  • More News

Artist Always Carries Around Sketchbook In Case He Feels Like Making Someone Uncomfortable

NEW YORK—Saying that he doesn’t want to let the perfect opportunity pass him by, local artist Brian Danforth told reporters Tuesday that he makes a point to always carry a sketchbook around with him in case he feels like making a stranger uncomfortable. “You never know when you’ll catch a glimpse of some random person and feel that sudden urge to sketch them without their permission as they fidget under your gaze,” said Danforth, who noted that there’s nothing worse than coming across an interesting and easily unnerved subject on the subway whom you’d love to stare at intently from three feet away for several stops only to realize you don’t have your sketchbook with you. “A few weeks ago, I was sitting across from this great older gentleman at the coffee shop, but I had forgotten my pad at home and ended up wasting a ton of time trying to find a piece of paper before I finally just grabbed a napkin. But by that time, I barely even had a chance to make the guy feel completely self-conscious by darting my eyes back and forth between him and my pencil drawing before he got up and left. I won’t make that mistake again.” At press time, Danforth was switching seats on the 7 train to get a better angle on a passenger who had unfolded a newspaper in an effort to block his view.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close