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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Artist Always Carries Around Sketchbook In Case He Feels Like Making Someone Uncomfortable

NEW YORK—Saying that he doesn’t want to let the perfect opportunity pass him by, local artist Brian Danforth told reporters Tuesday that he makes a point to always carry a sketchbook around with him in case he feels like making a stranger uncomfortable. “You never know when you’ll catch a glimpse of some random person and feel that sudden urge to sketch them without their permission as they fidget under your gaze,” said Danforth, who noted that there’s nothing worse than coming across an interesting and easily unnerved subject on the subway whom you’d love to stare at intently from three feet away for several stops only to realize you don’t have your sketchbook with you. “A few weeks ago, I was sitting across from this great older gentleman at the coffee shop, but I had forgotten my pad at home and ended up wasting a ton of time trying to find a piece of paper before I finally just grabbed a napkin. But by that time, I barely even had a chance to make the guy feel completely self-conscious by darting my eyes back and forth between him and my pencil drawing before he got up and left. I won’t make that mistake again.” At press time, Danforth was switching seats on the 7 train to get a better angle on a passenger who had unfolded a newspaper in an effort to block his view.

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