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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Artistic Sensibility Takes Backseat to Commerical Consideration

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Artistic sensibility took a backseat to commercial consideration yesterday, when independent writer-director Norm Blugoth's semi-autobiographical opus, Shadows, Dimly: A Life Remembered was purchased, revamped and re-released by Mammoth Video under the new title Tit Planet.

"We liked the original version," said Mammoth Video president Ron Hillman of Blugoth's intimate look at a young boy growing up in an abusive household. "We simply felt it needed just a little something extra."

Blugoth recieved an advance of approximately $14,000 for the sale of the repackaged Tit Planet, which will feature teen heartthrob Corey Feldman as a hard-boiled desperado rocket pilot from the year 2399, who is captured and seduced by a mysterious topless alien race known as the Succulons.

Blugoth's entire advance immediately went toward the massive debt he has been shouldering from the project his entire adult life, only partially offsetting the tremendous bills he owes creditors.

"For 17 years I worked as a stockboy in a nationwide discount supermarket chain, slaving away in obscurity, channeling the desperate sense of meaninglessness my life inspired into a screenplay I hoped would one day be found after my death," Blugoth said.

"With each brightly colored box of sugar cereal my trembling hands neatly stacked, I took solace only in the faith that my screenplay would one day be recognized for its subtleties of character, story and milieu. It was all that kept me going."

Mammoth Video publicity director Brianna Shalimar shared Blugoth's enthusiasm about the project.

"We're really excited about Tit Planet here at Mammoth Video's award-winning public relations department," Shalimar told reporters. "We feel sure that Tit Planet, starring hunky Corey Feldman and fiesty Latin newcomer Conchita Marisando will be the straight-to-video R-rated erotic-thriller/ action/sci-fi release of November."

"If you liked last year's surprise hit Postapocalyptic Panty Girls," Shalimar added, "you'll love Tit Planet, coming this fall to a video retail outlet near you!"

After burning all traces of his writings and scrawling "Take Me Demons" in his own feces on the wall of his East Los Angeles flat, Blugoth plans to blow his brains out with a double-barrelled shotgun he purchased earlier this week after pawning the typewriter that was his only possession of value for the last 15 years of his life.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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