Artistic Sensibility Takes Backseat to Commerical Consideration

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Vol 30 Issue 03

Ask the Dungeonmaster

The Dungeonmaster has been supervising fantasy adventures for 14 years. In addition to gaming, he enjoys Marvel Comics, renting pornographic videotapes and playing the lute. Send letters to: "DM's Castle," c/o Asst. Mgr., Burger King, Store #4902, Piedmont, CA.

Liver Flees George Jones' Body

NASHVILLE, TN—After more than 40 years of absorbing vast quantities of hard alcohol, George Jones' liver finally fled the famed country singer's body Monday. "I can't take it anymore," the liver said. "A liver can only process so many toxins before it says to hell with it." Jones' liver absorbed its final drink early Monday morning, a bourbon and branch water that Jones had with some eggs for breakfast. Until it can find a place of its own, Jones' liver plans to share an apartment with Merle Haggard's liver and Hank Williams Jr.'s lungs.

Year Abroad Changes Student's Worldview For One Year

SKOKIE, IL—After a tremendously broadening year of travel through Northern Africa, area student Naomi Pilchner returned home to the U.S. yesterday, returning to her pre-year abroad worldview as well. "I'll never forget the things I saw there. There were mountains and grasslands and the most exotic animals imaginable. But there was also terrible drought and starvation—people were literally dying in the streets," Pilchner told friend Jennifer Baskin upon arriving home. "Do you want to go look for shoes at Woodfield, Jen? I saw this awesome pair of green sandals on sale."

Clinton Gets Box To Put Government's Stuff In

WASHINGTON, DC—Unable to keep track of an ever-mounting pile of federal items, President Clinton got a big box to put all the government's stuff in yesterday. "It was getting really messy," Clinton said. "So I decided it was time to get it all off the floor." According to Clinton, the box, made of sturdy, high-quality corrugated cardboard, will be used to hold many of the government's estimated 5.1 trillion belongings, which include 51 aircraft carriers, 296,000 staple removers and the tax records of every American citizen. "That's a lot of stuff," Clinton said. "I just hope it all fits."

Cry Of More, More, More Heard In Midnight Hour

LONDON—A cry of more, more, more was heard in the midnight hour Sunday, prompting police to launch a full-scale investigation. "While we don't have any leads yet, the yell clearly sounded like it came from an outsider, possibly even a rebel," said London police commissioner James Blaney. "Before I investigate further, though, I urge you to let me sink another drink, as it will give me time to think." Blaney added that if the current investigation—during which police have looked all over the world—fails to yield any real clues soon, tomorrow might be a nice day to start again. "Whoever this rebel is," Blaney said, "he clearly has got no human grace."

It Sounded Fancy, So I Ate It

The other day Judy the wife was yappin' that I never do anything with her, so I agreed to go to the big tasting party she was having for the French Cooking course she's taking. I figured at least I could get some grub out of the deal.

The Island of Doctors and Monsters Is Not a Very Good Movie

Ah, the movies. The lights. The glamour. The action! Where else can a person escape to see the stars for the price of a good shave at the corner barber store? Hollywood town! Where a young ingenue can hitch her dreams to a rising star and sit on the director's couch and rise to the top of the Silver Screen.

Military Academies Under Fire

With the Citadel and the Virginia Military Institute opening their doors to women in recent months, only three all-male military colleges now remain in the U.S. What do you think?
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Artistic Sensibility Takes Backseat to Commerical Consideration

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Artistic sensibility took a backseat to commercial consideration yesterday, when independent writer-director Norm Blugoth's semi-autobiographical opus, Shadows, Dimly: A Life Remembered was purchased, revamped and re-released by Mammoth Video under the new title Tit Planet.

"We liked the original version," said Mammoth Video president Ron Hillman of Blugoth's intimate look at a young boy growing up in an abusive household. "We simply felt it needed just a little something extra."

Blugoth recieved an advance of approximately $14,000 for the sale of the repackaged Tit Planet, which will feature teen heartthrob Corey Feldman as a hard-boiled desperado rocket pilot from the year 2399, who is captured and seduced by a mysterious topless alien race known as the Succulons.

Blugoth's entire advance immediately went toward the massive debt he has been shouldering from the project his entire adult life, only partially offsetting the tremendous bills he owes creditors.

"For 17 years I worked as a stockboy in a nationwide discount supermarket chain, slaving away in obscurity, channeling the desperate sense of meaninglessness my life inspired into a screenplay I hoped would one day be found after my death," Blugoth said.

"With each brightly colored box of sugar cereal my trembling hands neatly stacked, I took solace only in the faith that my screenplay would one day be recognized for its subtleties of character, story and milieu. It was all that kept me going."

Mammoth Video publicity director Brianna Shalimar shared Blugoth's enthusiasm about the project.

"We're really excited about Tit Planet here at Mammoth Video's award-winning public relations department," Shalimar told reporters. "We feel sure that Tit Planet, starring hunky Corey Feldman and fiesty Latin newcomer Conchita Marisando will be the straight-to-video R-rated erotic-thriller/ action/sci-fi release of November."

"If you liked last year's surprise hit Postapocalyptic Panty Girls," Shalimar added, "you'll love Tit Planet, coming this fall to a video retail outlet near you!"

After burning all traces of his writings and scrawling "Take Me Demons" in his own feces on the wall of his East Los Angeles flat, Blugoth plans to blow his brains out with a double-barrelled shotgun he purchased earlier this week after pawning the typewriter that was his only possession of value for the last 15 years of his life.

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