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Entertainment

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

Artistic Sensibility Takes Backseat to Commerical Consideration

HOLLYWOOD, CA—Artistic sensibility took a backseat to commercial consideration yesterday, when independent writer-director Norm Blugoth's semi-autobiographical opus, Shadows, Dimly: A Life Remembered was purchased, revamped and re-released by Mammoth Video under the new title Tit Planet.

"We liked the original version," said Mammoth Video president Ron Hillman of Blugoth's intimate look at a young boy growing up in an abusive household. "We simply felt it needed just a little something extra."

Blugoth recieved an advance of approximately $14,000 for the sale of the repackaged Tit Planet, which will feature teen heartthrob Corey Feldman as a hard-boiled desperado rocket pilot from the year 2399, who is captured and seduced by a mysterious topless alien race known as the Succulons.

Blugoth's entire advance immediately went toward the massive debt he has been shouldering from the project his entire adult life, only partially offsetting the tremendous bills he owes creditors.

"For 17 years I worked as a stockboy in a nationwide discount supermarket chain, slaving away in obscurity, channeling the desperate sense of meaninglessness my life inspired into a screenplay I hoped would one day be found after my death," Blugoth said.

"With each brightly colored box of sugar cereal my trembling hands neatly stacked, I took solace only in the faith that my screenplay would one day be recognized for its subtleties of character, story and milieu. It was all that kept me going."

Mammoth Video publicity director Brianna Shalimar shared Blugoth's enthusiasm about the project.

"We're really excited about Tit Planet here at Mammoth Video's award-winning public relations department," Shalimar told reporters. "We feel sure that Tit Planet, starring hunky Corey Feldman and fiesty Latin newcomer Conchita Marisando will be the straight-to-video R-rated erotic-thriller/ action/sci-fi release of November."

"If you liked last year's surprise hit Postapocalyptic Panty Girls," Shalimar added, "you'll love Tit Planet, coming this fall to a video retail outlet near you!"

After burning all traces of his writings and scrawling "Take Me Demons" in his own feces on the wall of his East Los Angeles flat, Blugoth plans to blow his brains out with a double-barrelled shotgun he purchased earlier this week after pawning the typewriter that was his only possession of value for the last 15 years of his life.

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