adBlockCheck

As A Matter Of Fact: Military Chaperones

Top Headlines

Recent News

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

As A Matter Of Fact: Military Chaperones

A lot of people have been getting their knickers in a tizzy lately over the military's new plan to pair female soldiers with male chaperones. Well, I'd like to take this opportunity to weigh in on the matter with a true story about my own chaperone, Raymond, who has been accompanying me plum-near everywhere for the past five years. I hope it will make those of you out there taking offense at the army’s decision to see its value.

Raymond and I were down to the dock about three weeks back soaking our feet in the bayou when out of nowhere a rabid raccoon descended upon us. (Now, I just thank my lucky stars that I hadn't wheeled my son Charlie down there, because he tends to attract critters since he drinks all that fruit juice and they can smell the sugar on his skin.) There this raccoon was, slinking around the other end of the dock wild-eyed and foaming at the mouth. Raymond and I had absolutely no which way to go. The only way to avoid a run-in raccoon would have been to jump in the bayou, an option neither of us relished. (Regular readers of this blog will remember what happened to Mrs. Sloane's donkey.)

I was shaking like a leaf, but Raymond didn't miss a stitch. He simply pulled out his cell phone...and pelted the raccoon with it. See, Raymond was a quarterback in college, so he's nothin' but muscle. That cell phone hit the raccoon like a meteor, knocking it down dead and saving us both.

The moral here is, ladies, if you can swing it, get yourself a chocolately, rock-hard chaperone. He may one day save you from a rabid raccoon!

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close