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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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As A Matter Of Fact: Military Chaperones

A lot of people have been getting their knickers in a tizzy lately over the military's new plan to pair female soldiers with male chaperones. Well, I'd like to take this opportunity to weigh in on the matter with a true story about my own chaperone, Raymond, who has been accompanying me plum-near everywhere for the past five years. I hope it will make those of you out there taking offense at the army’s decision to see its value.

Raymond and I were down to the dock about three weeks back soaking our feet in the bayou when out of nowhere a rabid raccoon descended upon us. (Now, I just thank my lucky stars that I hadn't wheeled my son Charlie down there, because he tends to attract critters since he drinks all that fruit juice and they can smell the sugar on his skin.) There this raccoon was, slinking around the other end of the dock wild-eyed and foaming at the mouth. Raymond and I had absolutely no which way to go. The only way to avoid a run-in raccoon would have been to jump in the bayou, an option neither of us relished. (Regular readers of this blog will remember what happened to Mrs. Sloane's donkey.)

I was shaking like a leaf, but Raymond didn't miss a stitch. He simply pulled out his cell phone...and pelted the raccoon with it. See, Raymond was a quarterback in college, so he's nothin' but muscle. That cell phone hit the raccoon like a meteor, knocking it down dead and saving us both.

The moral here is, ladies, if you can swing it, get yourself a chocolately, rock-hard chaperone. He may one day save you from a rabid raccoon!

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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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