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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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As A Matter Of Fact: Military Chaperones

A lot of people have been getting their knickers in a tizzy lately over the military's new plan to pair female soldiers with male chaperones. Well, I'd like to take this opportunity to weigh in on the matter with a true story about my own chaperone, Raymond, who has been accompanying me plum-near everywhere for the past five years. I hope it will make those of you out there taking offense at the army’s decision to see its value.

Raymond and I were down to the dock about three weeks back soaking our feet in the bayou when out of nowhere a rabid raccoon descended upon us. (Now, I just thank my lucky stars that I hadn't wheeled my son Charlie down there, because he tends to attract critters since he drinks all that fruit juice and they can smell the sugar on his skin.) There this raccoon was, slinking around the other end of the dock wild-eyed and foaming at the mouth. Raymond and I had absolutely no which way to go. The only way to avoid a run-in raccoon would have been to jump in the bayou, an option neither of us relished. (Regular readers of this blog will remember what happened to Mrs. Sloane's donkey.)

I was shaking like a leaf, but Raymond didn't miss a stitch. He simply pulled out his cell phone...and pelted the raccoon with it. See, Raymond was a quarterback in college, so he's nothin' but muscle. That cell phone hit the raccoon like a meteor, knocking it down dead and saving us both.

The moral here is, ladies, if you can swing it, get yourself a chocolately, rock-hard chaperone. He may one day save you from a rabid raccoon!

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