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As A Matter Of Fact: What's A Parent To Do?

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Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

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EPA Urges Flint Residents To Stop Dumping Tap Water Down Drain

FLINT, MI—Citing the significant health and safety risks that it poses to public infrastructure and the local ecosystem, the Environmental Protection Agency released a statement Thursday urging residents of Flint to discontinue dumping tap water down their drains.

New OSHA Regulations To Cut Down On Workplace Mutations

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to address the troubling number of genetic transformations occurring in workplaces across the nation, the United States Occupational Safety and Health Administration unveiled new regulations this week aimed at reducing on-the-job mutations, sources confirmed.

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OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon
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As A Matter Of Fact: What's A Parent To Do?

As a mother, the recent trend of teens enriching uranium for the purpose of creating nuclear weapons concerns me deeply. Sadly, my concerns are apparently not felt by executives in Hollywood, who continue day in and day out to produce movies, television shows, and music glamorizing the process of increasing the percent composition of uranium-235 through isotope separation.

It seems like every time I turn on the television I see another show about beautiful young people living it up inside a nuclear fuel production facility. At the theater, there’s movie after movie in which the so-called "heroes" are depicted selling weapons grade uranium to rogue nations with zero consequences. I have even stopped listening to the radio entirely since every time I turn it on I hear yet another song about utilizing the transfer of heat across a thin liquid to separate uranium isotopes ("Topin' Freakin'" by Lil' Fission, "F**k the International Atomic Energy Agency" by Yellowcake, and "1 SWU = 1 kg SW = 1 kg UTA" by Kelly Clarkson to name just a few).

What the media never depicts are the downsides of working with nuclear weapons components. You never see the radiation sickness, the international arms races, or the instantaneous disintegration of entire cities that often results from this behavior. Instead, kids are left with the impression that enriching uranium is "cool."

It's up to parents to protect their children from these negative influences. When my son Charlie is watching television, I frequently check in on him. If I find that he's watching a show about nuclear scientists, I wheel him away from the TV and turn his wheelchair so he's facing a wall. Then I lock the wheels so that he can't go back to watching his awful program. It may sound a bit harsh, but it's the sort of hands-on parenting that keeps kids out of danger.

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