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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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As Election Draws Near, Area Man Moves To All-Obama T-Shirt Rotation

BURBANK, CA—After hearing the Democratic nominee call on his supporters not to let up in light of recent polls, Burbank resident Noah Sheets, 25, committed himself to wearing a pro-Obama T-shirt everyday until the election. "With the way these things have gone in the past, you can never be too sure until it's all over," said Sheets, wearing a "Baracktourage" T-shirt that portrayed the presidential candidate and members of his staff as characters from the HBO series Entourage. "It's up to me to be an agent of change, and besides, I've been looking for an excuse to get that one Obama shirt with 'Yes, We Can' in seven different languages." To ensure an Obama victory, Sheets is also considering changing his Facebook status to "Go Barack," pinning an extra Obama button on his backpack, and high-fiving that guy he sometimes sees wearing an Obama cap while jogging.

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