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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Black Man Does 8 Years

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As Election Draws Near, Area Man Moves To All-Obama T-Shirt Rotation

BURBANK, CA—After hearing the Democratic nominee call on his supporters not to let up in light of recent polls, Burbank resident Noah Sheets, 25, committed himself to wearing a pro-Obama T-shirt everyday until the election. "With the way these things have gone in the past, you can never be too sure until it's all over," said Sheets, wearing a "Baracktourage" T-shirt that portrayed the presidential candidate and members of his staff as characters from the HBO series Entourage. "It's up to me to be an agent of change, and besides, I've been looking for an excuse to get that one Obama shirt with 'Yes, We Can' in seven different languages." To ensure an Obama victory, Sheets is also considering changing his Facebook status to "Go Barack," pinning an extra Obama button on his backpack, and high-fiving that guy he sometimes sees wearing an Obama cap while jogging.

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