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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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As Per Midnight Madness Tradition, Duke Freshman Sacrificed Center Court

DURHAM, NC—Freshman Nate Washburn, 17, was mutilated in front of 12,000 students, players, and coaches at Duke University's Cameron Indoor Stadium Friday during the school's traditional "Midnight Madness Sacrifice A Freshman Ceremony." Prior to their first official practice, six hooded members of the Duke basketball team, lightly chanting the school's fight song, led a blindfolded Washburn to center court, where he was greeted by head coach Mike Krzyzewski. "We offer up Nathan L. Washburn to the One Most High so that we may show our deepest commitment to besting our rivals in this, the 2009-2010 college basketball season," Krzyzewski, adorned in a blue satin cloak and wearing a carved wooden goat mask representing Baal, said before raising a dagger above his head and plunging it into Washburn's chest. "We remove his left arm to signify the ACC title. The right arm for the No. 1 seed in the NCAA Tournament. The head, the national championship. And we pass the still-beating heart amongst the starting five so they can devour it as one. Eruditio et Religio!" Following the ritualistic killing, Duke players ran layup drills.

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