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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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As Per Midnight Madness Tradition, Duke Freshman Sacrificed Center Court

DURHAM, NC—Freshman Nate Washburn, 17, was mutilated in front of 12,000 students, players, and coaches at Duke University's Cameron Indoor Stadium Friday during the school's traditional "Midnight Madness Sacrifice A Freshman Ceremony." Prior to their first official practice, six hooded members of the Duke basketball team, lightly chanting the school's fight song, led a blindfolded Washburn to center court, where he was greeted by head coach Mike Krzyzewski. "We offer up Nathan L. Washburn to the One Most High so that we may show our deepest commitment to besting our rivals in this, the 2009-2010 college basketball season," Krzyzewski, adorned in a blue satin cloak and wearing a carved wooden goat mask representing Baal, said before raising a dagger above his head and plunging it into Washburn's chest. "We remove his left arm to signify the ACC title. The right arm for the No. 1 seed in the NCAA Tournament. The head, the national championship. And we pass the still-beating heart amongst the starting five so they can devour it as one. Eruditio et Religio!" Following the ritualistic killing, Duke players ran layup drills.

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