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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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A's Pitchers Meet Up At Cool Pitcher Hangout Called 'The Strike Zone' After Game

OAKLAND—Following their victory against the Texas Rangers last night, Oakland A's starting pitchers Greg Smith, Dana Eveland, and Justin Duchscherer made their way over to their favorite post-game hangout, The Strike Zone, where they sat in their usual booth and were greeted by the restaurant's owner/ventriloquist, a colorful character known to them only as Mack. "Just the usual Zone Burger for me, Mack," said Eveland just as the pitchers' popular cheerleading girlfriends Kristen, Jenny, and Liza arrived and took seats next to their respective boyfriends. "You know, I think we all learned something valuable from last night's game. Sure, wins are important, but there's nothing more important than being honest, staying off drugs, and hanging with your friends. Oh, and not throwing parties in the stadium when [A's owner] Mr. Wolf is out of town. Let's never make that mistake again!" The good times were interrupted when rival pitchers from the Los Angeles Angels stormed in, taunted the A's girlfriends, and loudly proclaimed that a victory in next week's big game was all but certain—unless the A's had some wacky scheme up their sleeves.

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