Ashcroft Rejected By Newly Created Bride Of Ashcroft

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Vol 39 Issue 16

Chimp Study On Human-Evasion Response To Feces-Hurling Nearly Complete

MADISON, WI—Chimpanzees at the University of Wisconsin's Primate Laboratory are nearing completion of a two-year study on human-evasion response to hurled feces, sources reported Tuesday. "Our research shows that Homo sapiens experience extreme agitation and an urge to flee when pelted with baseball-sized lumps of primate scat," said Dr. Jingles, speaking from his research cage. "In 10 out of 10 cases, our test subjects retreated to the far corner of the room and screamed, 'Stop! Stop! AIIIIGH!'" Dr. Jingles first made his mark in science in 1993, when he earned a Nobel Prize for conclusively proving the deliciousness of bananas.

Horse-Race Announcer Clearly Had Money on 'Little Dancer'

LOUISVILLE, KY—Judging by his call of Tuesday's third race at Churchill Downs, thoroughbred-race announcer Pat Ellis clearly had money on Little Dancer. "In the rear, trailing by 11 lengths, it's Little Dancer," said Ellis over Churchill Downs' public-address system. "Little Dancer not responding to the fast track like a lot of people insisted she would." Calling the race's exciting photo-finish between Indian Express and Kingston Kid, Ellis said: "And down the stretch they come! Indian Express and Kingston Kid neck and neck! Goddammit."

Family Embarrassed By Way Son Died

SAN ANGELO, TX—The parents and siblings of Cris Aulter, 25, expressed deep shame and embarrassment Tuesday over his accidental death from autoerotic asphyxiation. "I cannot express how deeply mortified I am," said John Aulter, 52, the boy's father. "I mean, where in the world did Cris get the idea to suffocate himself while jerking off? How will I ever show my face around the office again?" Aulter said he plans to tell friends and coworkers that his son was hit by a car.

Restaurant Patron Seeking Corroboration That Soda Is Not Diet

WAYLAND, NY—While eating lunch at the Back Porch Cafe Monday, a suspicious Diane Rollo, 43, sought confirmation from her lunch companions that the beverage in her glass was regular Coke and not diet. "Does this taste like diet to you?" asked Rollo, who ordered a Diet Coke, before handing the drink to Liz Lauderdorf. "This tastes like regular to me." After passing the drink to two other people at the table for sampling, Rollo said she was "70 percent sure" the soda was regular and sent it back.

I've Got To Stop Taking Lives So Seriously

I like to think of myself as a pretty happy person, but sometimes I'm a little too hard on myself. It's only natural to want to do the best job you can, but often, I'll get so caught up in the moment that I forget that slaughtering innocent people is supposed to be fun. I really need to stop taking lives so seriously.

The New York City Budget Crisis

With a deficit o $3.8 billion, New York is facing its worst fiscal crisis in three decades. How is Mayor Bloomberg making up for the shortfall?

The Dixie Chicks Controversy

The members of Dixie Chicks have been the focus of boycotts ever since saying they are ashamed to hail from the same state as President Bush. What do you think?
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Ashcroft Rejected By Newly Created Bride Of Ashcroft

WASHINGTON, DC—Attorney General John Ashcroft's quest for a companion to ease the pain of his lonely and tormented existence was dealt a severe blow Monday, when he was rejected by the newly created "Bride Of Ashcroft."

Ashcroft introduces his would-be Bride to the press.

Unwrapped from bandages at a press conference, the ungodly Bride twitched grotesquely several times before turning to face her would-be mate. Reporters in attendance said the Bride recoiled upon setting her eyes on Ashcroft's horribly misshapen visage, letting out a blood-curdling scream.

"When the lovestruck Attorney General tried to embrace the Bride, she shunned him, just as the entire world has shunned him," CNN reporter William Hurlbut said. "It was truly tragic."

Despondent, Ashcroft roared with despair as all hope of finding a wife deserted his tortured brain.

"Love... death... hate... living..." Ashcroft said.

The heartbroken Attorney General, realizing he could never be loved, then told reporters, "We belong dead." At that point, he pulled a giant lever, setting off a fiery explosion that appeared to incinerate himself and his new Bride, with no trace of either remaining when the smoke finally cleared.

Confirmed dead in the blast was the Bride's maniacal creator, Dr. Pretorius, whose demise reporters called "a punishment that befell a mortal man who dared to emulate God."

Police investigators are working around the clock to determine whether Ashcroft and his unholy Bride are still alive.

"They may have burned up in the fire, but you have to remember that we're dealing with a creature so horrible that only a half-crazed mind could have devised it," D.C. Chief of Police Charles H. Ramsey said. "My fear is that she and Ashcroft survived the flames and will return anew to stalk the land in darkness."

Ashcroft's quest to find fulfillment with a bride of his own kind first came to public attention in November 2002, when the Justice Department released a Yellow Alert announcement reading, "Warning! The Attorney General demands a mate!"

Most scientists were skeptical, explaining that the creation of such a being—a terrible nightmare from beyond the very pits of Hell itself—was scientifically impossible. Yet over the next two months, as Ashcroft found himself with increasing power in a steadily rightward-shifting political landscape, he used his growing clout to secure funding for the creation of a mate to call his own.

"Alone... bad," Ashcroft told reporters on Jan. 23. "Friend... good."

After a long search, on Feb. 9, Ashcroft announced that he had procured the services of Dr. Pretorius using $200 million in funding made available through the Homeland Security Act. For the next 10 weeks, Pretorius toiled in secrecy, cracking the secret of life itself by reanimating dead tissue created from cadavers out of opened graves. Enlisting the help of other scientists, Pretorius obsessively pursued the goal of creating a female companion to love the Attorney General as no mortal ever could.

Since becoming Attorney General in January 2001, Ashcroft has placed a number of limits on civil liberties, restrictions which have earned him the enmity of the ACLU and other such organizations. Recently, however, Ashcroft has also begun to draw criticism from another sector: angry peasant villagers. Chasing him with pitchforks, torches, and dogs through the foggy streets of the nation's capital, irate mobs have emerged in recent weeks as a substantial obstacle to Ashcroft's plans.

"Arrrrrrrrgh!" said Ashcroft as he fled one recent mob, before disappearing into the night.

Since the Bride incident, peasant-villager opposition to Ashcroft has only intensified. Said one villager, who insisted on picking through the smoking press-conference wreckage in search of Ashcroft's body: "When I see his blackened bones, then I can sleep at night."

"Ashcroft? I'd hate to find him under me bed at night," another villager remarked. "He's a nightmare in the daylight, he is."

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