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Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
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Asian-Americans Defying Traditional Stereotypes

SAN FRANCISCO—When Dith Trang and Rodney Kim get together after school, academics are the furthest thing from their minds.

Described by friends as "shiftless and dumb," Lin Bu is one of a growing number of Asian-Americans helping to dispel the myth of the hardworking, motivated Easterner.

Instead, the two ninth-graders go to Trang's house to listen to rap music, eat Doritos and get high.

"Don't make assumptions about us just because we're Asian," says the bespectacled Trang, passing his friend a joint. "Not all of us care about college."

With poor grades and atrocious study habits, Trang and Kim are among a growing number of young people who are challenging people's traditional notions about Asian-Americans. No longer content to be thought of as successful, intelligent, hard-working and family-oriented, an ever-increasing number of second- and third-generation Asian-Americans are beginning to fail miserably.

"This is the next logical step for us," says Ken Chang, president of the Bay Area Asian-American Association. "People assume all we're able to do is emigrate to the U.S. with nothing and before long establish thriving businesses and careers through hard work and determination. Well, that's just not true."

"People look at me and figure I'm smart, just because I'm Chinese," said Lin Bu, 27, currently unemployed and not looking for work. "Well, I'm not. I am stupid as hell."

"It just makes me so mad," said Jin-Duk Soo, 19, who passed on going to college to focus on fixing up his car and picking up chicks. "I just want to party, not achieve."

Particularly under fire are long-standing stereotypes about cultural superiority in academics. While some young Asian-Americans are simply refusing to take calculus in college or high school, others are going so far as to stage a "math strike" to protest the unfair generalizations.

"The other day in class, my math teacher asked me to calculate the value of a sine curve," said Jen Tashikara, 16. "So I'm like, 'Forget it, old man—I'm Asian.'"

Recently, at Westlake High School in Oakland, Asian-born students held a mass "Fail-In," refusing to answer any test questions correctly. Among their test answers: "Hydrogen is an adverb," and "The President of Russia is 2.6."

But despite recent progress, Asian-Americans still have a long way to go. According to the Census Bureau, nearly 95 percent of Asian-American high school seniors go on to college, a number Chang calls "alarmingly high."

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Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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