Aspiring Actress' Vagina Photographed

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Vol 35 Issue 11

Miracle Overpass Issues Mysterious Stream Of Urine

ABILENE, TX—Throngs of religious faithful from across the U.S. are making pilgrimages to Abilene following Monday's discovery of a miracle highway overpass that periodically emits a stream of urine. "I was just driving under the overpass, when, all of a sudden, a golden stream of liquid fell upon my windshield from above," said motorist Gail Silva. "I knew then and there that my life had deeper meaning." The stretch of highway has since been closed for several miles in both directions to accommodate the thousands of spiritual seekers who have journeyed to the overpass in hopes of being anointed with what many believe to be the micturition of Christ.

National Pork Council: Many Americans Suffer From Pork Deficiency

DES MOINES, IA—An alarming study released Tuesday by the National Pork Producers Council reports that fewer than 5 percent of Americans get the NPPC recommended daily allowance of pork. "An overwhelming majority of Americans aren't getting the dietary pork they need for healthy muscles and proper digestion," read the NPPC study. "What's worse, many growing children who could be helped by as little as two strips of bacon a day are getting no pork at all." The NPPC recommends that adults eat at least nine servings of pork per day from the bacon, ham, chop and rind groups.

The Burger-King Grants Asylum

Last week, lost and hungry in the desolate bad-lands of our Republic, Standish and I chanced upon the embassy of the esteemed and powerful Burger-King. Once in-side, I prostrated myself before one of the senior diplomats, who donned a badge etched with the words "Dale—Crew Manager."

A Nation Of Prisoners

According to a recent Justice Department report, the number of jailed Americans more than doubled over the past 12 years, and the U.S. could soon pass Russia as the nation with the highest rate of imprisonment. What do you think about America's soaring prison population?

I've Got The Fever For The Flavor Of The Oscars!

Here's a riddle for you: What has more stars than the sky itself? The Oscars, and I for one was positively blinded by what I saw on Sunday! The lights! The glamour! The dresses! Oh, it was a night to remember! Everyone was dressed to the nines. Even Hollywood's most notorious tough guy, Jack Nicholson, looked positively dapper in his tuxedo. (And I bet it wasn't a rental!) Someday, I hope to be there in person so I can take in all the glory first-hand. But in the meantime, I'm happy to sit at home with a bowl of Jolly Time buttered popcorn and watch the proceeds unfold... live!
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Aspiring Actress' Vagina Photographed

HOLLYWOOD, CA—In what entertainment-industry insiders are calling "an exciting new development," the vagina of aspiring actress Sierra Nicole Lennox, 20, was photographed Monday from a variety of alluring angles.

Aspiring actress Lennox

The photo session is widely regarded as the first step on the road to fame and fortune for the young actress, who film and TV executives throughout the greater Los Angeles area are calling a "striking, white-hot new talent" with a "really great-looking vagina."

"I'm extremely excited about this latest career move," a bathrobed Lennox told reporters shortly after completing principal photography. "I've already seen some of the initial demo photos and, if I do say so myself, my vagina looks fantastic. But I want everyone to understand that this is only the beginning. Once these pictures of my vagina start getting circulated and creating a 'buzz' around town, I'll be able to move on to what I'm really interested in doing: starring in and perhaps directing major motion pictures."

"I'm not just another pretty vagina," Lennox added.

According to semi-professional talent agent Murray Pisarcik, 49, who photographed the young woman's genitals in the basement studio of his Van Nuys home, Lennox's vagina "definitely has what it takes" to propel her to Hollywood superstardom.

"Sierra's vagina is really something special. In this town, aspiring starlets are a dime a dozen. But she's not like the other girls you see waiting to be discovered at the counter of the Denny's on Sunset Boulevard," Pisarcik said. "She's got the kind of vagina that just lights up a room."

Lennox, born Dolores Ellen Niehrud, was known as "the prettiest girl in town" in her hometown of Olathe, KS, where she was the star of her high-school drama club, starring in Oklahoma!, The Music Man and Pippin before moving on to study theater at Emporia (KS) Community College. Though her talent continued to blossom at ECC, she said she quickly realized her ambitions were bigger than Kansas could hold. Within six months, she was waitressing in L.A.

"Emporia was great, but I soon figured out that Hollywood was where the action was," Lennox said. "I had talent, but I knew I couldn't sit around forever. I had to go for it while the time was ripe. After all, my vagina wasn't getting any younger."

Explaining the decision to have her vagina photographed, Lennox said: "When you're just starting out like I am, you need to do something special to stand out from the crowd. You need to get yourself noticed and create a 'buzz,' and showing people your vagina is a great way to do that."

Though Pisarcik said he and Lennox are still weighing their options regarding the vaginal pics, the photographer said several "very attractive offers" are currently on the table. "I've got a possible sale already lined up to www.eagerbeaverz.com, and both Gent and Swank have expressed interest," Pisarcik said. "So the industry response is definitely there."

"Remember this vagina," Pisarcik added, holding up an 8x10 glossy of Lennox's pubis. "Take a good look now, because before long, everybody's who's anybody will recognize it. This vagina's on a one-way rocket-ship ride to the top, baby!"

Industry power players who have seen advance copies of the photos agreed that Lennox's vagina has real star power.

"This is the kind of vagina you see once, maybe twice in a lifetime," said Paramount Pictures executive Barry Wolk. "I predict Sierra Nicole Lennox will be the next Glenn Close. Photos don't lie: That's talent, baby. Sheer, unadulterated talent."

"Just look at this vagina," agreed Andrew Black of 20th Century Fox. "The camera loves it. With a knockout vagina like this, the girl can't miss."

For all her success, Lennox admitted she had her doubts at first.

"When I first moved to Hollywood, sure, I was scared. I thought, 'What if I'm not good enough? What if people don't like my vagina?'" she said. "You hear so many horror stories about how this town eats people alive. But I've found that's all a myth. Everyone I've met has been so supportive and friendly, especially when it comes to taking pictures of my pubic region."

"I just know I'm going to be a big star," Lennox added, smiling brightly. "All my hard work is finally paying off."

With success and fame just around the corner, Lennox and Pisarcik are planning a weekend getaway to the Tarzana, CA, Motel 6 to reflect on her big break and ponder the next move.

"We're on our way," said Pisarcik, packing hurriedly. "I told Sierra she could make the biggest debut splash since Meryl Streep appeared in Naked Nymphos back in 1976. But we're not letting success go to our heads. We're going to handle this well. Sierra's going to have a lot of decisions to make as far as what projects she wants to take on. As for me, once the money starts rolling in, I'm going to pay my back alimony and take care of my debts at the dogtrack."

"Sure, the initial rush of getting my big break is exhilarating," Lennox said, "but this is only the beginning. I bring a lot more to the table than just a great vagina. I'm bursting with energy and willing to do whatever it takes to make it. So get ready, Tinseltown: I'm gonna spread my wings and show the whole world just what Sierra Nicole Lennox is all about."

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