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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Aspiring Legislator Keeps Sending Unsolicited Bills To House Of Representatives

WOOSTER, OH— Andy Roenicke, a 23-year-old aspiring federal legislator, sent an unsolicited tax-reform bill to House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-IL) Monday, his fifth such submission in as many weeks. "Dear Mr. Hastert: Enclosed is a bill that I believe would be a great addition to your congressional docket," Roenicke's cover letter read. "Even if you opt not to use it, though, I would very much appreciate any feedback you might have." Said Hastert: "It's nice to see a young man who's excited about getting involved in the legislative process, but I do wish he'd go through the established process of being elected to office by the people of his district. Honestly, that's the way it's done."

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