Ass-Kisser Promoted

Top Headlines

Recent News

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Ass-Kisser Promoted

PROVIDENCE, RI—The age-old practice of brown-nosing was rewarded yet again Monday with the promotion of ass-kissing toady Howard MacInnis, an assistant district account manager for the consulting firm of Hayes, Murdoch & Fenn, to the position of regional manager.

Moments after complimenting Hayes, Murdoch & Fenn vice-president Phil Allaire on his tie, ass-kisser Howard MacInnis (left) enthusiastically agrees with proposed changes to a feasibility study he had nothing to do with.

MacInnis, 33, a longtime sweet-talker known for his tenacity and perseverance in the boot-licking field, received a 15 percent salary increase as well as a corner office and an upgraded luxury-model company car as part of the promotion, which he calls "the culmination of an intensive campaign of shameless glad-handing and insincere admiration that I have been pursuing in earnest for more than four years."

Said MacInnis, "There were those who said that my lack of original ideas and relentless flattery of superiors would hold me back. But I am living proof that fawning yes-men do succeed in this world."

Known to co-workers for his absurdly transparent insincerity in social relations and his incredibly irritating habit of busybodying around the office without ever doing anything, MacInnis' lack of integrity made him an ideal candidate in the eyes of upper management for the undeserved promotion.

"What Hayes, Murdoch & Fenn needs is team players who toe the company line, don't rock the boat and know how to play ball," said district head Jamison Soderhagen, who chose MacInnis for the promotion. "Howard is exactly the sort of sniveling apple-polisher we were looking for. And whenever we play golf, he lets me win."

Senior partner Harriet Fenn agreed. "As a major corporate player, I don't want to be told that I am wrong—ever," she said. "MacInnis' knee-jerk instantaneous validation of everything I say will no doubt enable him to go far in this business."

When asked if he agreed with Fenn's appraisal, MacInnis unhesitatingly replied, "Yes, I do!"

Though his unflagging sucking up to superiors was the key to his career advancement, MacInnis said that his instinctive knack for taking credit for the work of others also played a major role.

"By positioning myself near those employees whose ideas are consistently successful, and then smiling effusively whenever the boss was around, I was able to foster the illusion that I had actually made meaningful contributions to the company," MacInnis said. "In this manner, I was able to steal a significant amount of the credit for their achievements, reaping the rewards of others' work in order to fulfill my own personal goals."

Said co-worker Amber Kyle, "You know that voice high-school guys use when they're trying to talk their way into a girl's pants? Well, that's how MacInnis sounds all the time."

Though Kyle and other highly qualified employees passed over for the promotion harbor great resentment toward MacInnis and his relentless ass-kissing crusade, MacInnis himself is unconcerned about their negative views.

"The time for me to worry about what all those people think of me is long past," he said. "I'm a regional manager now, and there are newer, more important asses that I need to concentrate my kissing energies toward."

Though MacInnis has little to no demonstrable talent to speak of, his superiors are confident that he will prove adept at finding ways to curry their favor, and to appear useful and busy.

"Somebody's got to send the fruitbaskets," Soderhagen said.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close