PROVIDENCE, RI—The age-old practice of brown-nosing was rewarded yet again Monday with the promotion of ass-kissing toady Howard MacInnis, an assistant district account manager for the consulting firm of Hayes, Murdoch & Fenn, to the position of regional manager.
MacInnis, 33, a longtime sweet-talker known for his tenacity and perseverance in the boot-licking field, received a 15 percent salary increase as well as a corner office and an upgraded luxury-model company car as part of the promotion, which he calls "the culmination of an intensive campaign of shameless glad-handing and insincere admiration that I have been pursuing in earnest for more than four years."
Said MacInnis, "There were those who said that my lack of original ideas and relentless flattery of superiors would hold me back. But I am living proof that fawning yes-men do succeed in this world."
Known to co-workers for his absurdly transparent insincerity in social relations and his incredibly irritating habit of busybodying around the office without ever doing anything, MacInnis' lack of integrity made him an ideal candidate in the eyes of upper management for the undeserved promotion.
"What Hayes, Murdoch & Fenn needs is team players who toe the company line, don't rock the boat and know how to play ball," said district head Jamison Soderhagen, who chose MacInnis for the promotion. "Howard is exactly the sort of sniveling apple-polisher we were looking for. And whenever we play golf, he lets me win."
Senior partner Harriet Fenn agreed. "As a major corporate player, I don't want to be told that I am wrong—ever," she said. "MacInnis' knee-jerk instantaneous validation of everything I say will no doubt enable him to go far in this business."
When asked if he agreed with Fenn's appraisal, MacInnis unhesitatingly replied, "Yes, I do!"
Though his unflagging sucking up to superiors was the key to his career advancement, MacInnis said that his instinctive knack for taking credit for the work of others also played a major role.
"By positioning myself near those employees whose ideas are consistently successful, and then smiling effusively whenever the boss was around, I was able to foster the illusion that I had actually made meaningful contributions to the company," MacInnis said. "In this manner, I was able to steal a significant amount of the credit for their achievements, reaping the rewards of others' work in order to fulfill my own personal goals."
Said co-worker Amber Kyle, "You know that voice high-school guys use when they're trying to talk their way into a girl's pants? Well, that's how MacInnis sounds all the time."
Though Kyle and other highly qualified employees passed over for the promotion harbor great resentment toward MacInnis and his relentless ass-kissing crusade, MacInnis himself is unconcerned about their negative views.
"The time for me to worry about what all those people think of me is long past," he said. "I'm a regional manager now, and there are newer, more important asses that I need to concentrate my kissing energies toward."
Though MacInnis has little to no demonstrable talent to speak of, his superiors are confident that he will prove adept at finding ways to curry their favor, and to appear useful and busy.
"Somebody's got to send the fruitbaskets," Soderhagen said.