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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.
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Assad Unable To Convince Putin That He Used Chemical Weapons On Syrians

MOSCOW—Despite Syrian president Bashar al-Assad’s flat-out admission to the Russian leader that he was responsible for an August 21 chemical weapons attack on a suburban Damascus neighborhood, Russian president Vladimir Putin confirmed Wednesday that al-Assad has yet to provide a convincing case that he carried out the assault. “Given the information I’ve seen at this point, President Assad failed to show me clear, substantiated evidence that he used chemical weapons against the Syrian people, regardless of how many times he says ‘I, Bashar al-Assad, President of Syria, am the one who did this’ while showing me videos of people dying of Sarin poisoning,” said Putin, adding that he remains extremely skeptical despite phone conversations in which a reportedly frustrated Assad repeats, over and over again, the step-by-step account of how he authorized the use of nerve gas to kill over 1,400 people. “We need to know all the facts before we act. I don’t care how many autopsy reports, laboratory tests, or pictures of Assad pressing a button labeled ‘chemical weapons launcher’ he sends me—before we have conclusive proof that he and not the opposition forces did this, we cannot say that Syria is in violation of international law.” Putin went on to confirm that until Assad proves beyond a doubt that he carried out the alleged attack, Russia will continue delivering components of a surface-to-air missile defense system to the Syrian government.

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