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Nobel Committee Awards Self Peace Prize For Once

‘Sometimes You Just Need To Treat Yourself,’ Sources Say

OSLO, NORWAY—Saying there was nothing wrong with treating yourself for a change, the Norwegian Nobel Committee announced Friday that it was awarding the 2017 Nobel Peace Prize to itself for once.

The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.
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Assad Vows Swift Retaliation On Syrian Civilians In Response To U.S. Missile Strike

DAMASCUS—Angrily declaring that the attack would not go unpunished, Syrian leader Bashar al-Assad vowed swift retaliation on his nation’s civilians Friday for the U.S. missile strike on the al-Shayrat air base. “In response to the egregious aggression of the United States, I promise to stop at nothing to crush the Syrian people quickly and decisively,” said Assad, announcing a full-scale military assault on noncombatants in residential neighborhoods throughout Syria that would make the U.S. “sorely regret its unprovoked and criminal deeds.” “This act of war on the part of the United States leaves us no choice but to strike Syrian hospitals, schools, and places of worship with even more force and resolve. Mark my words: the streets of Syria will run red with the blood of civilian men, women, and children, and America will know the price to be paid for its belligerence.” At press time, Russian officials had decried the U.S. missile strike and said they had not ruled out supporting their ally in any counterattack against Syrian civilians.

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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

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