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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Asshole Admits To Being Asshole In Supreme Asshole Move

KANSAS CITY, MO—Senior sales representative Mark Seversen, already notorious at Aqua-Dek Water Filtration Systems for being an asshole, made the ultimate asshole move Monday when he triumphantly admitted to being an asshole.

Seversen, the big asshole.

"Look, I know you all think I'm an asshole," Seversen, 32, told a roomful of fellow employees. "Well, that may be true, but I moved more units for this company last year than any three of you combined. News flash: Nice guys finish last."

"So I'm an asshole," Seversen added. "Deal with it."

Aqua-Dek sources said Seversen has a long history of being an asshole. In five years at Aqua-Dek, he has alienated virtually all of his coworkers by blaming others for his failures and lying to secure promotions. Recently, he slept with an emotionally vulnerable, newly divorced coworker, only to complain about her "saggy ass" to the rest of the office afterward. Coworkers report that Seversen frequently brags about his car, his many beautiful ex-girlfriends, and his hair. He also frequently makes asshole-ish comments about minorities, the poor, and "fatties."

However, according to coworkers, Seversen's recent admission that he's an asshole takes him to a whole new level of assholitude.

"That's a real supreme asshole move—admitting you're an asshole and not giving a shit," coworker Bob French said later that day. "He acted like outing his own assholiness somehow made it our problem, not his. What a dick."

Coworkers report that, having declared himself a supreme unrepentant asshole, Seversen gleefully explored the freedoms of his newfound role.

"If doing what it takes to make more money than any of you people means I'm an asshole, then what can I say? I guess I'm a rich, successful asshole. Guilty as charged," Seversen said. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some calls to make about the houseboat I'm going to buy. Make way for Mr. Asshole."

Severson reportedly grabbed his briefcase and walked out, leaving his coworkers in disbelief.

"On my first day, when Mark made an elaborate show of learning my name, I could tell he was an asshole," receptionist Nina Taylor said. "But within weeks, he moved from Asshole Who's All Proud Of Himself Because He Knows My Name to Bigtime Asshole Who Has Me Phone In His Lunch Order to Seriously Major Asshole Who Propositions Me In The Parking Garage. But today in the conference room, when he told us all he's an asshole—that thing put him into the category of El Assholio Supremo del Mundo. He really outdid himself."

According to Seversen's former assistant, Janet Manning, the asshole's recent leap into the category of Supreme Asshole will probably only benefit his career.

"The more of an asshole Mark is, the more money he makes, and the more authority he's given by the head office," said Manning, who left Aqua-Dek in April to "do literally anything that will get me away from that son of a bitch." "In Mark, you see a classic example of the cycle of escalating assholedom. Instead of hiding his assholishness and putting on a good show, he brags about it as if it's a virtue, because it benefits his career. But I don't believe for a minute that he's only an asshole for career advancement. For Mark, being an asshole is its own reward."

"God," Manning added. "I can't believe I slept with him."

When asked to comment on allegations that he'd made the ultimate asshole move, Seversen did not disagree.

"Hey, you're doing a story on me?" he told reporters. "Make sure you put it in huge letters on the front page: 'Mark Seversen is the world's biggest asshole, and he doesn't give a fuck whether you like it or not.' That'd be hilarious."

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