Asshole Admits To Being Asshole In Supreme Asshole Move

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Vol 40 Issue 20

Apparently Werewolf Was Allergic To Peanuts

NEW ORLEANS—The werewolf who died while attacking a young woman Sunday must have been allergic to peanuts, experts said Tuesday. "The wolfman crashed through the intended victim's front window, but before the accursed beast could tear her apart in a savage fury, he stepped in a bowl of honey-roasted peanuts," said Dr. Alex Price, professor of lycanthropic studies at Tulane University. "Within seconds, the hellbeast's face began to swell, and he collapsed into an anaphylactic attack, unable to breathe." Price said that, had the werewolf not been more animal than man at the time of the attack, he likely would have used the epinephrine injection pen paramedics found in the breast pocket of his shirt.

Woman With Six Dogs Resents Non-Dogs

ALBANY, CA—Bay Area resident Emily Dobbyns, owner of two wire-haired fox terriers, two shih tzus, one Maltese, and a pug, revealed yesterday that she resents all non-canine life forms. "My family and coworkers and friends are so hard to get along with," Dobbyns said, petting her pug Skipper. "They're so opinionated, and they let their egos complicate everything." Dobbyns added that her little Skipperdoodle would never expect her to drive 22 miles to a birthday party at a restaurant she doesn't even like.

Pawn-Shop Customer Plans To Buy Toaster Back

CHICAGO—Drug addict Chris Fehring, 27, announced plans Monday to eventually buy back the GE toaster he'd sold an hour earlier to U-Name-It Pawn. "This is only temporary," said Fehring, who'd already parlayed the $3 he received into a crack purchase. "I'll buy it back as soon as I have electricity again." Fehring also stated his intention to buy back the blood he sold to the plasma center Monday.

White House Slam Dunk Contest Results In No Slam Dunks

WASHINGTON, DC—The annual White House Slam Dunk Contest, a spring ritual since 1977, featured its usual share of cringe-worthy misses and twisted knees Monday, but once again, no slam dunks. "I tell you, this is some sorry stuff I'm seeing," celebrity judge and former San Antonio Spur George "Iceman" Gervin said, holding up a "1" card after press secretary Scott McClellan made an awkward leap in a pair of wingtips. "The three-point contest was bad enough, but this is just depressing." The last White House slam dunk on record occurred in 1983, when a blindfolded Secretary of the Interior James Watt leaped from the foul line to execute an aerial 360-spin into a tomahawk that shattered the backboard.

Electronic Voting Machines

Computerized voting systems promise to simplify the polling process, but many Americans are worried about their accuracy. What are the machines' potential problems?

Fahrenheit 9-11

Disney recently blocked Miramax from releasing Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9-11, a film criticizing President Bush's handling of Sept. 11. What do you think?

Funeral Looks Cheap

DEARBORN, MI—Everything from the bottom-of-the-line coffin to the shabby suit worn by the deceased made the funeral of longtime assembly-line foreman Thomas Meissner, who died May 13 at the age of 68, look cheap, several guests reported Tuesday.
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Asshole Admits To Being Asshole In Supreme Asshole Move

KANSAS CITY, MO—Senior sales representative Mark Seversen, already notorious at Aqua-Dek Water Filtration Systems for being an asshole, made the ultimate asshole move Monday when he triumphantly admitted to being an asshole.

Seversen, the big asshole.

"Look, I know you all think I'm an asshole," Seversen, 32, told a roomful of fellow employees. "Well, that may be true, but I moved more units for this company last year than any three of you combined. News flash: Nice guys finish last."

"So I'm an asshole," Seversen added. "Deal with it."

Aqua-Dek sources said Seversen has a long history of being an asshole. In five years at Aqua-Dek, he has alienated virtually all of his coworkers by blaming others for his failures and lying to secure promotions. Recently, he slept with an emotionally vulnerable, newly divorced coworker, only to complain about her "saggy ass" to the rest of the office afterward. Coworkers report that Seversen frequently brags about his car, his many beautiful ex-girlfriends, and his hair. He also frequently makes asshole-ish comments about minorities, the poor, and "fatties."

However, according to coworkers, Seversen's recent admission that he's an asshole takes him to a whole new level of assholitude.

"That's a real supreme asshole move—admitting you're an asshole and not giving a shit," coworker Bob French said later that day. "He acted like outing his own assholiness somehow made it our problem, not his. What a dick."

Coworkers report that, having declared himself a supreme unrepentant asshole, Seversen gleefully explored the freedoms of his newfound role.

"If doing what it takes to make more money than any of you people means I'm an asshole, then what can I say? I guess I'm a rich, successful asshole. Guilty as charged," Seversen said. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some calls to make about the houseboat I'm going to buy. Make way for Mr. Asshole."

Severson reportedly grabbed his briefcase and walked out, leaving his coworkers in disbelief.

"On my first day, when Mark made an elaborate show of learning my name, I could tell he was an asshole," receptionist Nina Taylor said. "But within weeks, he moved from Asshole Who's All Proud Of Himself Because He Knows My Name to Bigtime Asshole Who Has Me Phone In His Lunch Order to Seriously Major Asshole Who Propositions Me In The Parking Garage. But today in the conference room, when he told us all he's an asshole—that thing put him into the category of El Assholio Supremo del Mundo. He really outdid himself."

According to Seversen's former assistant, Janet Manning, the asshole's recent leap into the category of Supreme Asshole will probably only benefit his career.

"The more of an asshole Mark is, the more money he makes, and the more authority he's given by the head office," said Manning, who left Aqua-Dek in April to "do literally anything that will get me away from that son of a bitch." "In Mark, you see a classic example of the cycle of escalating assholedom. Instead of hiding his assholishness and putting on a good show, he brags about it as if it's a virtue, because it benefits his career. But I don't believe for a minute that he's only an asshole for career advancement. For Mark, being an asshole is its own reward."

"God," Manning added. "I can't believe I slept with him."

When asked to comment on allegations that he'd made the ultimate asshole move, Seversen did not disagree.

"Hey, you're doing a story on me?" he told reporters. "Make sure you put it in huge letters on the front page: 'Mark Seversen is the world's biggest asshole, and he doesn't give a fuck whether you like it or not.' That'd be hilarious."

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