adBlockCheck

Asshole Admits To Being Asshole In Supreme Asshole Move

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Asshole Admits To Being Asshole In Supreme Asshole Move

KANSAS CITY, MO—Senior sales representative Mark Seversen, already notorious at Aqua-Dek Water Filtration Systems for being an asshole, made the ultimate asshole move Monday when he triumphantly admitted to being an asshole.

Seversen, the big asshole.

"Look, I know you all think I'm an asshole," Seversen, 32, told a roomful of fellow employees. "Well, that may be true, but I moved more units for this company last year than any three of you combined. News flash: Nice guys finish last."

"So I'm an asshole," Seversen added. "Deal with it."

Aqua-Dek sources said Seversen has a long history of being an asshole. In five years at Aqua-Dek, he has alienated virtually all of his coworkers by blaming others for his failures and lying to secure promotions. Recently, he slept with an emotionally vulnerable, newly divorced coworker, only to complain about her "saggy ass" to the rest of the office afterward. Coworkers report that Seversen frequently brags about his car, his many beautiful ex-girlfriends, and his hair. He also frequently makes asshole-ish comments about minorities, the poor, and "fatties."

However, according to coworkers, Seversen's recent admission that he's an asshole takes him to a whole new level of assholitude.

"That's a real supreme asshole move—admitting you're an asshole and not giving a shit," coworker Bob French said later that day. "He acted like outing his own assholiness somehow made it our problem, not his. What a dick."

Coworkers report that, having declared himself a supreme unrepentant asshole, Seversen gleefully explored the freedoms of his newfound role.

"If doing what it takes to make more money than any of you people means I'm an asshole, then what can I say? I guess I'm a rich, successful asshole. Guilty as charged," Seversen said. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some calls to make about the houseboat I'm going to buy. Make way for Mr. Asshole."

Severson reportedly grabbed his briefcase and walked out, leaving his coworkers in disbelief.

"On my first day, when Mark made an elaborate show of learning my name, I could tell he was an asshole," receptionist Nina Taylor said. "But within weeks, he moved from Asshole Who's All Proud Of Himself Because He Knows My Name to Bigtime Asshole Who Has Me Phone In His Lunch Order to Seriously Major Asshole Who Propositions Me In The Parking Garage. But today in the conference room, when he told us all he's an asshole—that thing put him into the category of El Assholio Supremo del Mundo. He really outdid himself."

According to Seversen's former assistant, Janet Manning, the asshole's recent leap into the category of Supreme Asshole will probably only benefit his career.

"The more of an asshole Mark is, the more money he makes, and the more authority he's given by the head office," said Manning, who left Aqua-Dek in April to "do literally anything that will get me away from that son of a bitch." "In Mark, you see a classic example of the cycle of escalating assholedom. Instead of hiding his assholishness and putting on a good show, he brags about it as if it's a virtue, because it benefits his career. But I don't believe for a minute that he's only an asshole for career advancement. For Mark, being an asshole is its own reward."

"God," Manning added. "I can't believe I slept with him."

When asked to comment on allegations that he'd made the ultimate asshole move, Seversen did not disagree.

"Hey, you're doing a story on me?" he told reporters. "Make sure you put it in huge letters on the front page: 'Mark Seversen is the world's biggest asshole, and he doesn't give a fuck whether you like it or not.' That'd be hilarious."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close