Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.
End Of Section
  • More News

Asshole Awarded For Asshole Behavior By Business Community Leaders

The utter sack of shit is celebrated by dozens of other conniving fucks.
The utter sack of shit is celebrated by dozens of other conniving fucks.

PHILADELPHIA—At a ceremony held in the Hilton Hotel banquet hall Wednesday evening, noted local asshole Mark Thorton, 54, was recognized by his asshole peers in the business community with an award honoring his illustrious career of distinguished asshole conduct.

“What a tremendous honor this is,” the beaming prick said during his acceptance speech, after thanking all the huge pieces of shit and unrepentant dicks with whom he has engaged in asshole business over the years. “I have always believed in working hard. And for members of my own field to take notice and acknowledge my accomplishments, it makes this award all the more special.”

“There have been so many achievements over the years that I’m proud of, but your recognition tonight ranks high among them,” the godawful fucker continued. “This truly means so much to me.”

The black-tie ceremony, an annual custom within the local asshole community, was reportedly attended by over 1,000 prominent dicks, some 350 festering mounds of human waste, and 75 unbearable brownnosers, many of whom lauded Thorton for his deep and lasting influence in the field of being a selfish, amoral sack of shit.

Thorton, who is regularly featured in Forbes magazine’s list of the nation’s top 20 heartless fucks, has spent nearly 30 years at the forefront of the asshole game. His legacy includes such accomplishments as ruining the lives of countless honest individuals, exploiting legal gray areas for personal gain, and systematically fucking over anyone who has placed the slightest semblance of trust in him, all of which, ceremony organizers noted, made him the overwhelming choice for recognition as this year’s biggest prick.

“We looked at a robust pool of potential recipients, but ultimately the choice was obvious,” said event director and fellow asshole Aaron Fitzpatrick, explaining that among the great many greasy little fuckers that were considered, Thorton was unquestionably the most influential and utterly detestable. “Mark is certainly one of the top leaders in our industry. If there’s anyone who deserves this honor, it’s him. He’s just incredible at what he does.”

“Honestly, it’s a wonder we didn’t honor him sooner,” added Fitzpatrick, who, like every other individual who attended the ceremony, is reportedly just a pile of shit.

A living, breathing pile of shit, sources confirmed.

According to several of those in attendance, a large photograph of the self-satisfied slimeball with his big shit-eating grin was projected onscreen throughout the ceremony. Additionally, one of the revered asshole’s business partners is said to have spoken at length in celebration of Thorton’s long career of making ethically hollow decisions, which reportedly ranged from using hostile takeovers to lay off thousands of blue-collar workers, to knowingly securing an annual bonus that is more than 30 times that of his secretary’s yearly wage, to just generally being an unapologetic dick right to people’s faces.

“You just have to respect everything Mark has done,” said the keynote speaker, Tim Greene, one of the massive, antagonistic dickwads and selfish fucking sons of bitches who works alongside Thorton at his financial firm, Enterprise Ventures. “He’s a trailblazer, a go-getter, and, to many here—myself included—a mentor.”

“Without Mark’s executive fellowship program, many of us wouldn’t even be here,” Greene continued, referring to a program that allows aspiring shitheads to shadow Thorton for a week in order to better emulate his unabashed greed and deceptiveness. “There’s no question that we’re all indebted to him for that. Most of us here can only dream of having even half the impact he’s had. He’s that good.”

Later in the evening, when the morally vacant fuck took the stage to accept his solid gold award, the conference hall is said to have echoed with nauseating laughter and obnoxious applause, as the slimy prick reeled off a number of asshole jokes and several fucking insufferable anecdotes about the asshole fucking details of his asshole life.

“If I can credit my success to one thing, it’s that [I’m a feckless, egotistical sociopath who believes he is God],” said Thorton, concluding his speech with some supreme, grade-A asshole self-congratulation. “This has been a wonderful day for me, and I’d like to offer my deepest thanks to all of you [soulless, vile wastes of human flesh] for this honor.”

“And I look forward to continuing to [ruthlessly destroy whomever or whatever I can in the name of my own self-aggrandizement] for many more years to come,” he added.

After a standing ovation from the nearly 1,500 steaming heaps of dogshit in attendance, the asshole thanked his frigid bitch wife and entitled prick sons, both of whom will inherit the enormous estate he amassed through the lucrative practice of absolutely shitting all over the virtues of decency and fairness.

The smug fuck, sources concluded.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.