Asshole Awarded For Asshole Behavior By Business Community Leaders

Top Headlines


Uber Vs. Taxis

The rise of on-demand car service Uber has been the subject of much scrutiny for its effects on existing local taxi services, with cities unsure how to regulate it and consumers debating which one to use. Here is a side-by-side comparison of these two modes of transportation

Taco Bell To Offer Discreet Purchasing Charged Under ‘TBfoodsLLC’

IRVINE, CA—Aiming to provide customers with an effective and easy way to consume their products free from judgment, Taco Bell officials announced Thursday that patrons at any of the fast food chain’s 5,600 locations will now be given the option to have their purchases appear inconspicuously on credit card and bank statements under the name “TBfoodsLLC.”

Netflix To Temporarily Remove Every Movie Except ‘Hard Eight’

‘Everyone Should See It At Least Once,’ Company Says

LOS GATOS, CA—Saying that everyone, including all 65 million of its subscribers, really ought to see the film at least once, Netflix announced Tuesday that it will suspend all streaming content except Hard Eight for a full month.

Twitter Announces There No Trending Topics Today

‘Maybe Something Will Catch On Tomorrow,’ Social Network Says

SAN FRANCISCO—Noting the lack of any social causes, amusing hashtag games, or major news stories currently stimulating public conversations on their site, Twitter officials announced Monday that there are no trending topics today, but suggested that perhaps something might catch on tomorrow.

CEO Has Big Ideas To Grow Company’s Problems

NEW YORK—Laying out several new initiatives and detailed plans for implementing them in the upcoming weeks and months, Janneson Media CEO Adam Hamlin revealed to his staffers Thursday that he has some really big ideas for growing the company’s problems, sources reported.

45-Minute Phone Call To Credit Card Company Goes Great

FORT WAYNE, IN—Grinning with contentment as he reminisced about the call he placed earlier in the day, 31-year-old accountant Greg Schulhoff told reporters Thursday that his 45-minute phone call with MasterCard regarding late payment fees went “really great.”

Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Q-Tips Introduces New Multi-Speed Electric Ear Swab

ENGLEWOOD CLIFFS, NJ—Saying the product will allow for more efficient and thorough cleaning, representatives from the Unilever corporation announced Tuesday the addition of a multi-function electric ear swab to its longstanding Q-tips line.

New Pre-Sauced Napkins Can Be Thrown Away Straight From Package

CINCINNATI—Describing it as a major time-saver over traditional napkins, Procter & Gamble announced Thursday the release of its new Bounty pre-sauced napkins, which have been expressly designed to be removed from the package and immediately thrown into the trash.

Timeline Of Google’s History

Google recently announced the formation of Alphabet, an umbrella corporation that will separate the company’s internet search business from its forays into robotics, biotechnology, and other areas of innovation. Here are some of the most notable milestones in Google’s 17-year history:

Tips For Cheaper Airfare

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying

Online University Allows Students To Amass Crippling Debt At Own Pace

SAN DIEGO—Touting its wide range of financially ruinous academic programs that can be tailored to meet anyone’s scheduling needs, officials at Enterprise College announced Monday that the online institution is committed to letting students amass a crippling amount of debt at their own individual pace.

Invasive Restaurant Franchise Spreads To Third State

WASHINGTON—Noting that it had already disrupted several natural communities in Kansas and Iowa, officials from the Bureau of Consumer Protection revealed Tuesday that Bonito’s, a highly invasive strain of casual dining restaurant, had recently been spotted in parts of eastern Nebraska.

Listerine Introduces New Mouth Styling Gel

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Announcing that consumers no longer need to settle for plain, drab dental features, Johnson & Johnson unveiled its new line of Listerine mouth styling gels Wednesday.

Executive On Hot Streak With 2 Straight Logical Decisions

CHICAGO—Saying the impressive display of business sense came entirely out of nowhere, employees of public relations agency Davidson Communications confirmed Wednesday that CEO Donald Marshall was on an absolute hot streak after making two straight logical decisions.

McDonald’s Turns 75

Today marks the 75th anniversary of the McDonald’s restaurant chain, which was founded in 1940 as a Southern California barbecue joint and has since expanded to more than 35,000 locations across the globe. Here are some highlights from the company’s history

Corporate Wellness Programs

Following in the footsteps of Google’s new employee meditation program, companies across the country are introducing more wellness initiatives aimed at keeping health care costs down and boosting worker productivity.

The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

Walmart Vows To Defend Whichever Gays Buy Their Cheap Shit

BENTONVILLE, AR—Despite Governor Asa Hutchinson’s refusal to sign a controversial religious freedom bill that seemed to permit businesses to discriminate against homosexuals, officials from Arkansas-based retailer Walmart announced Wednesday t...

How Cable Companies Plan To Fight Cord Cutting

More consumers than ever are “cord cutting,” or getting rid of their cable service in favor of watching shows online, challenging the cable industry to launch new initiatives in order to keep customers.

Fast Food Customers Less Appealing Than In Commercial

GREENVILLE, SC—Expressing his disappointment shortly after sitting down for lunch at a local franchise location Wednesday, area man Peter Strauss told reporters that the customers at Burger King were actually far less appealing in real life than the...

Pfizer Mercifully Puts Down Another Batch Of Trial Patients

NEW YORK—Following unforeseen complications during a trial of the company’s new cholesterol medication Lipodrin, researchers at pharmaceutical manufacturer Pfizer said they were forced to put down another batch of test patients out of mercy Fr...

Benadryl Introduces New Non-Drowsy Allergy Dart

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Promising consumers rapid relief from seasonal allergies without any drowsiness, Johnson & Johnson announced the release Friday of Benadryl Pierce, a new blowgun-administered antihistamine dart that will soon be available in dr...

Timeline: The Collapse Of RadioShack

Electronics retailer RadioShack filed for bankruptcy after 94 years in business, ultimately unable to keep up with consumers’ shift to the wireless and digital technologies of the internet age.

Company To Experiment With Valuing Employees

SAN DIEGO—Cautioning that the initiative was being instituted on a trial basis only, Forrest Logistics CEO Wayne Gartner announced Thursday that the company had recently begun experimenting with valuing its employees.

Most Controversial Super Bowl Commercials

The commercials airing during the Super Bowl each year have become incredibly popular in their own right, and nearly every broadcast seems to include at least one ad met with criticism from audiences, media critics, and others.

The Pros And Cons Of Fracking

Gas prices are plummeting across America thanks in part to the country doubling its daily oil exports, which is made possible by chemical fracturing technology that scientists have said wreaks havoc on the environment.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage



Asshole Awarded For Asshole Behavior By Business Community Leaders

The utter sack of shit is celebrated by dozens of other conniving fucks.
The utter sack of shit is celebrated by dozens of other conniving fucks.

PHILADELPHIA—At a ceremony held in the Hilton Hotel banquet hall Wednesday evening, noted local asshole Mark Thorton, 54, was recognized by his asshole peers in the business community with an award honoring his illustrious career of distinguished asshole conduct.

“What a tremendous honor this is,” the beaming prick said during his acceptance speech, after thanking all the huge pieces of shit and unrepentant dicks with whom he has engaged in asshole business over the years. “I have always believed in working hard. And for members of my own field to take notice and acknowledge my accomplishments, it makes this award all the more special.”

“There have been so many achievements over the years that I’m proud of, but your recognition tonight ranks high among them,” the godawful fucker continued. “This truly means so much to me.”

The black-tie ceremony, an annual custom within the local asshole community, was reportedly attended by over 1,000 prominent dicks, some 350 festering mounds of human waste, and 75 unbearable brownnosers, many of whom lauded Thorton for his deep and lasting influence in the field of being a selfish, amoral sack of shit.

Thorton, who is regularly featured in Forbes magazine’s list of the nation’s top 20 heartless fucks, has spent nearly 30 years at the forefront of the asshole game. His legacy includes such accomplishments as ruining the lives of countless honest individuals, exploiting legal gray areas for personal gain, and systematically fucking over anyone who has placed the slightest semblance of trust in him, all of which, ceremony organizers noted, made him the overwhelming choice for recognition as this year’s biggest prick.

“We looked at a robust pool of potential recipients, but ultimately the choice was obvious,” said event director and fellow asshole Aaron Fitzpatrick, explaining that among the great many greasy little fuckers that were considered, Thorton was unquestionably the most influential and utterly detestable. “Mark is certainly one of the top leaders in our industry. If there’s anyone who deserves this honor, it’s him. He’s just incredible at what he does.”

“Honestly, it’s a wonder we didn’t honor him sooner,” added Fitzpatrick, who, like every other individual who attended the ceremony, is reportedly just a pile of shit.

A living, breathing pile of shit, sources confirmed.

According to several of those in attendance, a large photograph of the self-satisfied slimeball with his big shit-eating grin was projected onscreen throughout the ceremony. Additionally, one of the revered asshole’s business partners is said to have spoken at length in celebration of Thorton’s long career of making ethically hollow decisions, which reportedly ranged from using hostile takeovers to lay off thousands of blue-collar workers, to knowingly securing an annual bonus that is more than 30 times that of his secretary’s yearly wage, to just generally being an unapologetic dick right to people’s faces.

“You just have to respect everything Mark has done,” said the keynote speaker, Tim Greene, one of the massive, antagonistic dickwads and selfish fucking sons of bitches who works alongside Thorton at his financial firm, Enterprise Ventures. “He’s a trailblazer, a go-getter, and, to many here—myself included—a mentor.”

“Without Mark’s executive fellowship program, many of us wouldn’t even be here,” Greene continued, referring to a program that allows aspiring shitheads to shadow Thorton for a week in order to better emulate his unabashed greed and deceptiveness. “There’s no question that we’re all indebted to him for that. Most of us here can only dream of having even half the impact he’s had. He’s that good.”

Later in the evening, when the morally vacant fuck took the stage to accept his solid gold award, the conference hall is said to have echoed with nauseating laughter and obnoxious applause, as the slimy prick reeled off a number of asshole jokes and several fucking insufferable anecdotes about the asshole fucking details of his asshole life.

“If I can credit my success to one thing, it’s that [I’m a feckless, egotistical sociopath who believes he is God],” said Thorton, concluding his speech with some supreme, grade-A asshole self-congratulation. “This has been a wonderful day for me, and I’d like to offer my deepest thanks to all of you [soulless, vile wastes of human flesh] for this honor.”

“And I look forward to continuing to [ruthlessly destroy whomever or whatever I can in the name of my own self-aggrandizement] for many more years to come,” he added.

After a standing ovation from the nearly 1,500 steaming heaps of dogshit in attendance, the asshole thanked his frigid bitch wife and entitled prick sons, both of whom will inherit the enormous estate he amassed through the lucrative practice of absolutely shitting all over the virtues of decency and fairness.

The smug fuck, sources concluded.