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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Asshole From Plane Greeted At Baggage Claim By Whole Family

ATLANTA—Following their arrival at Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson airport Friday, passengers from flight 3852 confirmed that the loud, obnoxious prick who had been seated in row 12 was warmly greeted and embraced by his whole family at the terminal’s baggage claim. “That guy wouldn’t shut up about how slow the drink service was, and he spent the whole flight sticking his elbows and legs out into the aisle and over into the seat next to him,” said fellow passenger Carla Moreau, who noted that, after exiting the gate area, two elementary-school-age girls cried out “Daddy” and ran to hug the man who had pressed the overhead flight attendant call button several times in rapid succession shortly after takeoff to demand a gin and tonic. “Before we even got on the plane, he was pushing past people in line at the gate. And he had to be tapped on the shoulder about five or six times before he moved his seat-back up for landing, and when he finally did, he sighed loud enough for everyone to hear. God, what a dick. Cute family, though.” At press time, the obnoxious asshole and his entire asshole family were refusing to move out of the way of those attempting to retrieve their luggage from the baggage carousel.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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