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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Asshole From Plane Greeted At Baggage Claim By Whole Family

ATLANTA—Following their arrival at Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson airport Friday, passengers from flight 3852 confirmed that the loud, obnoxious prick who had been seated in row 12 was warmly greeted and embraced by his whole family at the terminal’s baggage claim. “That guy wouldn’t shut up about how slow the drink service was, and he spent the whole flight sticking his elbows and legs out into the aisle and over into the seat next to him,” said fellow passenger Carla Moreau, who noted that, after exiting the gate area, two elementary-school-age girls cried out “Daddy” and ran to hug the man who had pressed the overhead flight attendant call button several times in rapid succession shortly after takeoff to demand a gin and tonic. “Before we even got on the plane, he was pushing past people in line at the gate. And he had to be tapped on the shoulder about five or six times before he moved his seat-back up for landing, and when he finally did, he sighed loud enough for everyone to hear. God, what a dick. Cute family, though.” At press time, the obnoxious asshole and his entire asshole family were refusing to move out of the way of those attempting to retrieve their luggage from the baggage carousel.

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