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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Asshole From Plane Greeted At Baggage Claim By Whole Family

ATLANTA—Following their arrival at Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson airport Friday, passengers from flight 3852 confirmed that the loud, obnoxious prick who had been seated in row 12 was warmly greeted and embraced by his whole family at the terminal’s baggage claim. “That guy wouldn’t shut up about how slow the drink service was, and he spent the whole flight sticking his elbows and legs out into the aisle and over into the seat next to him,” said fellow passenger Carla Moreau, who noted that, after exiting the gate area, two elementary-school-age girls cried out “Daddy” and ran to hug the man who had pressed the overhead flight attendant call button several times in rapid succession shortly after takeoff to demand a gin and tonic. “Before we even got on the plane, he was pushing past people in line at the gate. And he had to be tapped on the shoulder about five or six times before he moved his seat-back up for landing, and when he finally did, he sighed loud enough for everyone to hear. God, what a dick. Cute family, though.” At press time, the obnoxious asshole and his entire asshole family were refusing to move out of the way of those attempting to retrieve their luggage from the baggage carousel.

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