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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Assisted Care Facility Hits Grand Fucking Slam With Little Styrofoam Cups Of Sherbet

PHOENIXVILLE, PA—From residents’ prompt arrival in the dining room at 2 p.m. to the extended length of time they spent socializing in the sitting area afterward, staff members confirmed that the 4-ounce styrofoam cups of sherbet served Sunday afternoon were a grand fucking slam with seniors at Briargreen Assisted Care Community. “Man, we thought the soft-baked ginger snaps last week were a home run, but these little servings of orange and rainbow sherbet launched it out of the fucking park,” said activities coordinator Peter D’Amico, noting that well over half of the containers were completely empty afterward, a notable aberration from the considerable quantities of food typically left on residents’ plates after most meals and snacks. “You should have seen the looks on their faces when they got their little cups—this sherbet absolutely fucking destroyed. Heck, even Jean [Kerman], who has barely attended any meals since her hip surgery, made her way down to have some sherbet.” D’Amico added that if they have any hope of topping the wildly popular treat, it would take a ridiculously insane one-two punch of chocolate pudding immediately followed by a screening of Anchors Aweigh.

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