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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Assisted Care Facility Hits Grand Fucking Slam With Little Styrofoam Cups Of Sherbet

PHOENIXVILLE, PA—From residents’ prompt arrival in the dining room at 2 p.m. to the extended length of time they spent socializing in the sitting area afterward, staff members confirmed that the 4-ounce styrofoam cups of sherbet served Sunday afternoon were a grand fucking slam with seniors at Briargreen Assisted Care Community. “Man, we thought the soft-baked ginger snaps last week were a home run, but these little servings of orange and rainbow sherbet launched it out of the fucking park,” said activities coordinator Peter D’Amico, noting that well over half of the containers were completely empty afterward, a notable aberration from the considerable quantities of food typically left on residents’ plates after most meals and snacks. “You should have seen the looks on their faces when they got their little cups—this sherbet absolutely fucking destroyed. Heck, even Jean [Kerman], who has barely attended any meals since her hip surgery, made her way down to have some sherbet.” D’Amico added that if they have any hope of topping the wildly popular treat, it would take a ridiculously insane one-two punch of chocolate pudding immediately followed by a screening of Anchors Aweigh.

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