adBlockCheck

Local

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Assisted Care Facility Hits Grand Fucking Slam With Little Styrofoam Cups Of Sherbet

PHOENIXVILLE, PA—From residents’ prompt arrival in the dining room at 2 p.m. to the extended length of time they spent socializing in the sitting area afterward, staff members confirmed that the 4-ounce styrofoam cups of sherbet served Sunday afternoon were a grand fucking slam with seniors at Briargreen Assisted Care Community. “Man, we thought the soft-baked ginger snaps last week were a home run, but these little servings of orange and rainbow sherbet launched it out of the fucking park,” said activities coordinator Peter D’Amico, noting that well over half of the containers were completely empty afterward, a notable aberration from the considerable quantities of food typically left on residents’ plates after most meals and snacks. “You should have seen the looks on their faces when they got their little cups—this sherbet absolutely fucking destroyed. Heck, even Jean [Kerman], who has barely attended any meals since her hip surgery, made her way down to have some sherbet.” D’Amico added that if they have any hope of topping the wildly popular treat, it would take a ridiculously insane one-two punch of chocolate pudding immediately followed by a screening of Anchors Aweigh.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close