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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Assisted Care Facility Hits Grand Fucking Slam With Little Styrofoam Cups Of Sherbet

PHOENIXVILLE, PA—From residents’ prompt arrival in the dining room at 2 p.m. to the extended length of time they spent socializing in the sitting area afterward, staff members confirmed that the 4-ounce styrofoam cups of sherbet served Sunday afternoon were a grand fucking slam with seniors at Briargreen Assisted Care Community. “Man, we thought the soft-baked ginger snaps last week were a home run, but these little servings of orange and rainbow sherbet launched it out of the fucking park,” said activities coordinator Peter D’Amico, noting that well over half of the containers were completely empty afterward, a notable aberration from the considerable quantities of food typically left on residents’ plates after most meals and snacks. “You should have seen the looks on their faces when they got their little cups—this sherbet absolutely fucking destroyed. Heck, even Jean [Kerman], who has barely attended any meals since her hip surgery, made her way down to have some sherbet.” D’Amico added that if they have any hope of topping the wildly popular treat, it would take a ridiculously insane one-two punch of chocolate pudding immediately followed by a screening of Anchors Aweigh.

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