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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Assisted Living Center Widower Has Eye On Cute, Hunched-Forward Little Number

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Local 88-year-old widower Willard Baskin announced his interest Wednesday in the dollfaced, sclerotic little number who lives down the hall from him at the Sunshine Valley Continuing Care Center. “Oh, man, watching that hot item shuffle it oh-so-slowly across the common area has been driving me wild,” the retired tool-and-die maker said of the liver-spotted cutie he has reportedly had his eye on each evening during activity time. “That lingering mothball scent, the way she gums the rice pudding from her spoon—it’s enough to quicken the pulse of any man around here who still has one. And I can’t see that sexy, L-shape body without starting to daydream that maybe she’s suffered just enough dementia to have forgotten all her old inhibitions.” Baskin added that, unfortunately, the hunched-over vixen acts as if she doesn’t know he exists, which he grants is certainly a possibility.

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