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Grievances Brought Up With Powerless Supervisor

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Fed up with an increasing workload and problems with his coworkers at CLG Software, project coordinator William Garsten reportedly took a list of grievances Wednesday to supervisor Todd Watkins, a middle manager utterly powerless to...

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Assisted Living Center Widower Has Eye On Cute, Hunched-Forward Little Number

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Local 88-year-old widower Willard Baskin announced his interest Wednesday in the dollfaced, sclerotic little number who lives down the hall from him at the Sunshine Valley Continuing Care Center. “Oh, man, watching that hot item shuffle it oh-so-slowly across the common area has been driving me wild,” the retired tool-and-die maker said of the liver-spotted cutie he has reportedly had his eye on each evening during activity time. “That lingering mothball scent, the way she gums the rice pudding from her spoon—it’s enough to quicken the pulse of any man around here who still has one. And I can’t see that sexy, L-shape body without starting to daydream that maybe she’s suffered just enough dementia to have forgotten all her old inhibitions.” Baskin added that, unfortunately, the hunched-over vixen acts as if she doesn’t know he exists, which he grants is certainly a possibility.

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