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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Asteroid To Destroy Earth

Onion News Network To Broadcast Planet's Final Moments

NEW YORK, NY (September 29, 2011) - With a giant asteroid expected to hit Earth on October 4th, the Onion News Network has announced it will continue broadcasting until the moment the planet is destroyed.

"We are very excited to cover the annihilation of Earth," said Onion News Network anchor Brooke Alvarez. "You can count on us to be your number one end-of-humanity news source."

While most other cable news outlets will be shutting down so their staff can spend their final hours with their loved ones, the Onion News Network's "Loyalty Contract" which all employees must sign means the network will be able to stay on-air even as the asteroid slams into the planet, incinerating us all in a wave of fire. "We are expecting our ratings to go through the roof," said Onion Programming Director Harris Zweibel. "Advertising rates have been tripled for when the asteroid enters our atmosphere, as that is when viewership is expected to peak. From a business perspective, the end of the world will be very good for us."

The Onion News Network is preparing to make their coverage of the apocalypse a must-see television event. Correspondents will be standing by around the world to give live reports on humanity's final moments, a countdown clock will keep viewers constantly updated on how many minutes they have left to live, and Washington pundits will debate the political implications of the destruction of all life as we know it. Viewers who are not sobbing uncontrollably or cowering in their basements can take part in the coverage, sending their Tweets, Facebook messages, and UReport videos to the Onion News Network's interactive website.

"The goal is to keep viewers watching right up until their eyeballs are melted out of their heads and the skin is blasted off their skeletons in the horrendous shockwave," says Ms. Alvarez. "If there are any particles of your flesh left floating in the vacuum of space after the asteroid hits, rest assured they will be very well-informed particles."

The second season of Onion News Network premieres October 4th on IFC at 10pm / 9 Central.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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