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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Asteroid To Destroy Earth

Onion News Network To Broadcast Planet's Final Moments

NEW YORK, NY (September 29, 2011) - With a giant asteroid expected to hit Earth on October 4th, the Onion News Network has announced it will continue broadcasting until the moment the planet is destroyed.

"We are very excited to cover the annihilation of Earth," said Onion News Network anchor Brooke Alvarez. "You can count on us to be your number one end-of-humanity news source."

While most other cable news outlets will be shutting down so their staff can spend their final hours with their loved ones, the Onion News Network's "Loyalty Contract" which all employees must sign means the network will be able to stay on-air even as the asteroid slams into the planet, incinerating us all in a wave of fire. "We are expecting our ratings to go through the roof," said Onion Programming Director Harris Zweibel. "Advertising rates have been tripled for when the asteroid enters our atmosphere, as that is when viewership is expected to peak. From a business perspective, the end of the world will be very good for us."

The Onion News Network is preparing to make their coverage of the apocalypse a must-see television event. Correspondents will be standing by around the world to give live reports on humanity's final moments, a countdown clock will keep viewers constantly updated on how many minutes they have left to live, and Washington pundits will debate the political implications of the destruction of all life as we know it. Viewers who are not sobbing uncontrollably or cowering in their basements can take part in the coverage, sending their Tweets, Facebook messages, and UReport videos to the Onion News Network's interactive website.

"The goal is to keep viewers watching right up until their eyeballs are melted out of their heads and the skin is blasted off their skeletons in the horrendous shockwave," says Ms. Alvarez. "If there are any particles of your flesh left floating in the vacuum of space after the asteroid hits, rest assured they will be very well-informed particles."

The second season of Onion News Network premieres October 4th on IFC at 10pm / 9 Central.

More from this section

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

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