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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Asthmatic Child Tired Of Hearing List Of Famous Asthmatics

LEXINGTON, PA—Thirteen-year-old asthmatic Nate Bothman told reporters Monday that his mother's penchant for telling him about famous asthmatics is totally unnecessary, as he has already figured out that he can live a normal and fulfilling life with the respiratory ailment.

"My mom says if I use my inhaler like I'm supposed to, I can be just like Woodrow Wilson, Theodore Roosevelt, or [Roman statesman and philosopher] Seneca, but I really couldn't care less," said Bothman, who expressed similar indifference to the fact that director Martin Scorsese, Olympic diver Greg Louganis, and actress Morgan Fairchild also have the disease. "Actually, being told Billy Joel has asthma made me feel even worse about it."

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