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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Asthmatic Child Tired Of Hearing List Of Famous Asthmatics

LEXINGTON, PA—Thirteen-year-old asthmatic Nate Bothman told reporters Monday that his mother's penchant for telling him about famous asthmatics is totally unnecessary, as he has already figured out that he can live a normal and fulfilling life with the respiratory ailment.

"My mom says if I use my inhaler like I'm supposed to, I can be just like Woodrow Wilson, Theodore Roosevelt, or [Roman statesman and philosopher] Seneca, but I really couldn't care less," said Bothman, who expressed similar indifference to the fact that director Martin Scorsese, Olympic diver Greg Louganis, and actress Morgan Fairchild also have the disease. "Actually, being told Billy Joel has asthma made me feel even worse about it."

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