Astronomer Discovers Center Of Universe

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Vol 33 Issue 20

Dreamworks SKG Signs J&H Productions To Six-Year Deal

CINCINNATI—Steven Spielberg of Dreamworks SKG confirmed the industry rumor Monday that Cincinnati-based J&H Productions International has been signed to a landmark six-year contract. Spielberg said that J&H president Mr. H "will be executive-producing all types of shows in the stadiums and the coliseums, from city to city, which will be filmed for nationwide release. I hope you will be going to see these movies that Dreamworks SKG will be signing under, as far as J&H Productions and the films that he will make, pertaining to the shows." Dreamworks and J&H will also be working closely with the label industry, as far as getting all the major stars together and putting them to work with the other stars in other agencies under the Cavalcade Of Stars. "Our shows will be the dynamic shows ever being gave," Spielberg said.

Tammys Of The World Demand To Be Taken Seriously

UNITED NATIONS—In a historic summit Tuesday, the world's 178,230 Tammys convened to demand that they be treated with the same respect afforded the world's approximately 5.1 billion non-Tammys. "Tammy discrimination has been ignored for too long, and it's high time we took action," said summit organizer Tammy Mugler, 24, an assistant manager at an Atlanta-area Orange Julius. "Do you realize that in the entire history of the U.S., no Tammy has ever been elected to federal office?" The world's Heidis expressed support for the summit.

Area Man Busts His Ass All Day, And For What?

DE KALB, IL—It was learned Monday that Ted Moseley, a 34-year-old De Kalb-area construction worker, hauls ass 10, 12 hours a day for his sonofabitch boss, and for what? The report, to be published in full in Thursday's New York Times, will tell you what: so his skank old lady can spend his hard-earned $6.75 an hour on a $450 vacuum cleaner, and to pay for the neighbor's mailbox that his snot-nosed kid busted. Why Moseley puts up with this shit could not be adequately explained by the report.

Microsoft Under Fire

Last week, the Justice Department and 20 states filed an antitrust suit against Microsoft, accusing the software giant of monopolistic business practices, such as its inclusion of Internet Explorer on Windows 98. What do you think?

Your Horoscope

Your continuing hair loss leaves you with what some may call a bald spot. Only you know that, in truth, it is a solar panel for a sex machine.

Buggy For Let!

For sale! A secondhand buggy in fine and sturdy condition. Previous owner elderly invalid plutocrat. Pony not included. Reasonable terms. Kindly direct any and all inquiries to the Zweibel Estate.
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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Astronomer Discovers Center Of Universe

Astronomer Discovers Center Of The Universe

PASADENA, CA—California Institute of Technology astronomer Dr. James Shrifkin stunned the scientific and space-exploration communities Tuesday, when he announced that the center of the known universe is his 9-year-old son Brian.

"The universe revolves around him," Shrifkin told colleagues at the annual American Society Of Astronomers convention at Cal Tech. "He is the most precious and wonderful child in all known creation."

Shrifkin said he first suspected that Brian, a straight-A student at Lakeside Elementary School, is the center of the universe last Saturday, when he scored three goals in his soccer game.

Brian Shrifkin, center of the known universe.

"After the game, I went home and thought about the many quantifiable properties of goodness my son possesses, including kindness, generosity and intelligence," Shrifkin said. "Formulating a rough Briancentric theory of space and time, I then collected more evidence, including the beautiful card he bought me last Father's Day and his spelling-bee trophy. The more data I had, the more apparent it became that my own son is the elusive center of the universe for which science has long searched."

According to Shrifkin, at the moment of the Big Bang, a swirling, primordial cloud of emBrianic matter existed at the center of what would eventually become the universe. As the explosion settled and galaxies formed, Brian remained in the center, where laws of physics originating within him dictated the development of space as we know it.

"Primary data indicates that Brian is a spatial hub around which all other activity revolves," an excited, proud Shrifkin told reporters yesterday. "Pulsars, black holes, and even the daily activities of myself and my wife Joan are merely 'fringe' events that occur in the remote, soupy mass of the outer universe, millions of light years removed from the truly important events, such as Brian's Little League home runs and science-fair victories."

Brian emits such a powerful field of gravity and significance, Shrifkin said, that persons and objects take on added significance by virtue of their proximity to him. As an example of this phenomenon, Shrifkin cited Brian's classmate Josh Alder. "The moment Brian first met Adler, it became important to know if this was a nice boy or just some punk his mother and I felt he should steer clear of," he said. "Such information was of zero consequence before he entered Brian's sensitive event horizon."

Shrifkin concluded by calling upon Cal Tech to establish a new Department of Brian Physics, with himself as department head. "My vast expertise on the details and history of Brian make me the ideal candidate to lead this new branch of science," he said. "For example, I can tell you every grade on every report card Brian has ever received, from kindergarten to the present. Go on, ask me."

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