adBlockCheck

Recent News

‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.
End Of Section
  • More News

Astronomers Caution Americans Not To Look Directly At Screaming Spirits Of The Damned During Solar Eclipse

WASHINGTON—Citing the permanent damage that can result from even one second of unfiltered exposure to their ghastly visages, the American Astronomical Society cautioned Americans on Monday not to look directly at the screaming spirits of the damned during the solar eclipse. “We’d like to remind folks to practice safety when the specters doomed to eternal torment emerge, otherwise it’s quite possible their own souls will be dragged to the inferno from whence those accursed beings came,” said AAS spokesperson Rebecca Harvey, adding that anyone planning on viewing the celestial phenomenon use special eclipse glasses, a pinhole camera, or an evil-repelling ring of salt to help protect them from the multitude of wraiths that will pour forth from the portal to the netherworld. “Those witnessing this spectacular cosmic event would also be wise to plug their ears, as the shrieking from these spirits can cause hearing loss or hair to turn permanently white. The eclipse is exciting for all of us, but we want to make sure that everyone can enjoy it without the archfiend binding their soul.” At press time, thousands of Americans who attempted unprotected glimpses at the eclipse suddenly found themselves suspended from hooks in the lowest plane of hell.

More from this section

‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close