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Best Of February 2015

Area Woman Not Good Enough Artist To Justify Eccentricities

SANTA FE, NM—Admitting they could understand such oddball behavior from someone with an amazing creative vision, sources close to area painter Dina Paulson told reporters Tuesday that the 34-year-old woman is not nearly a good enough artist to justi...

Pope Nervous For Annual Performance Review With God

VATICAN CITY—Saying he’s appeared uneasy and distracted while delivering masses in recent days, Vatican insiders reported Wednesday that His Holiness Pope Francis is “getting pretty anxious” about his upcoming annual performance re...
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Astronomers Discover New Planet That Really Makes Earth Look Like Shit

Scientists compare the newly discovered planet to the wretched horse turd we call Earth.
Scientists compare the newly discovered planet to the wretched horse turd we call Earth.

WASHINGTON—Calling it an unprecedented finding that fundamentally reshapes how humankind views its place in the universe, astronomers from NASA announced Wednesday the discovery of a planet that makes Earth look like absolute shit.

The space agency’s researchers told the media that the recently identified planet, HD 904790 b, wipes the floor with Earth in every possible way, pointing to the celestial body’s larger size, unblemished terrestrial surface, diverse and verdant landforms, and abundance of natural resources, all of which indicate that Earth is a festering pile of garbage in comparison.

“This is a thrilling and scientifically vital discovery that has substantially furthered our understanding of how much Earth truly sucks,” said lead researcher Lisa Shapiro, emphasizing that Earth appears to be “straight-up dogshit” when contrasted with HD 904790 b’s exceptional terrain and climate. “Just taking into account this new planet’s flawless spherical shape, not to mention its pristine atmosphere free of methane and other toxic gases, reveals that our home world is pretty fucking pathetic when it comes down to it.”

“HD 904790 b has an extensive ring system that dwarfs Saturn’s, zero tectonic plate activity, and more fresh water in just one of its massive, unpolluted oceans than we have on our entire worthless shitstain of a planet,” she continued. “God, it makes me angry just to think of how much nicer it is there.”

Situated within the Milky Way’s Cygnus constellation, HD 904790 b possesses a frustratingly high number of attractive geological, atmospheric, and hydrological features that we poor saps living on Earth can only dream of, NASA officials reported. In particular, the newly discovered planet is said to contain lush, flowering biomes across all of its 340 million square miles, which reportedly do not include any of the barren tundras, glacial ice shelves, or arid deserts that contribute to Earth’s status as a lousy, second-rate excuse for an inhabitable terrestrial body.

Additionally, the space agency confirmed that the remarkable new planet boasts a perfectly circular orbit around its star, as well as a precisely aligned axial tilt that, in a far cry from the piece-of-shit hurricanes and blizzards that plague Earth, allows HD 904790 b to maintain a constant surface temperature of 75 degrees Fahrenheit year-round with a steady 5-mile-per-hour breeze.

“There’s no way I’m going to keep exploring the galaxy if it’s just going to make me feel like a complete dipshit for ever believing that my planet was anything special.”

“When you take into account everything HD 904790 b has going for it, it makes you feel embarrassed to be associated with our dumb fucking world,” said astronomer Gary Lopes, pointing to the planet’s dozen colorful, reflective moons that make Earth’s sole natural satellite look like the total joke that it is. “I used to think that the Himalayas were impressive, but not after we received data showing that this new planet has thousands of towering volcanic peaks that blow Mount Everest right out of the water. It’s flat-out humiliating to have to compare our planet against that.”

Noting how even the least remarkable square mile of HD 904790 b far outweighs the very best that Earth has to offer in terms of physical grandeur and mineral richness, NASA scientists told reporters they’ve decided to immediately discontinue their search for any more extrasolar planets, saying that it was “far too likely” that they could discover additional worlds that turn out to be a hell of a lot better than Earth.

“There’s no way I’m going to keep exploring the galaxy if it’s just going to make me feel like a complete dipshit for ever believing that my planet was anything special,” said astronomer Samantha Wilhelm, stating that if her team discovered a planet that was even better than HD 904790 b, she would “fucking kill [herself] on the spot.” “I even tried observing Neptune for a while in hopes that that gaseous sack of crap might make me feel better about being stuck on Earth, but it didn’t work. I can’t get HD 904790 b out of my head—it’s ruined the goddamn Earth for me forever.”

At press time, NASA astronomers had calculated that it would take them approximately 300,000 years to reach the new planet in a space capsule, but unanimously agreed that it was worth a shot rather than “spend another day on this stupid lump of shit.”

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