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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Astronomers Discover Planet Identical To Earth With Orbital Space Mirror

The newly discovered planet reportedly possesses an atmosphere of similar thickness to our own and has a ratio of surface water to land area that is essentially identical to that on Earth.
The newly discovered planet reportedly possesses an atmosphere of similar thickness to our own and has a ratio of surface water to land area that is essentially identical to that on Earth.

WASHINGTON—In what many are hailing as the most significant development in the history of space exploration, NASA scientists announced Thursday that a planet seemingly identical to Earth has been discovered by the agency’s Orbital Space Mirror.

According to NASA, the $2.9 billion aluminum glass mirror, which stretches over 180 feet wide and 147 feet tall, has already produced invaluable data suggesting that our solar system may contain a terrestrial planet of the exact same size, shape, and surface composition as Earth.

“This is a historic moment for humankind to confirm the existence of another planet that is almost indistinguishable from our own,” said mission leader Allen Brugel, who explained that after releasing the Orbital Mirror from a Delta IV heavy rocket at an operational altitude of 104,000 miles, the team received almost instantaneous images of an Earth-like planet approximately 208,000 miles away. “It is remarkable to find another celestial body where water is not only present but also covers two-thirds of the planet’s entire surface. What may be even more surprising is that it was discovered in a part of space that was previously thought to be completely empty.”

“It turns out that, in a universe that’s 93 billion light years wide, a planet perfectly suited for human life was right next to us in our own solar system,” Brugel added.

Built by NASA as part of a program created to identify planets in the galaxy capable of sustaining life, sources confirmed the orbiting plane mirror has provided scientists with continuous, real-time reflections of light rays since its launch in late October.

Scientists cited numerous key similarities between the newly discovered planet and our own, including the celestial body’s landmasses, oceans, wind patterns, cloud formations, apparent vegetation, and set of polar ice caps that strikingly resemble those found on Earth. Sources added that NASA’s preliminary surveys indicate that the recently detected body even completes one full rotation in approximately 24 hours and that, even more remarkably, its axial tilt is believed to also be exactly 23.5 degrees.

NASA scientists added that the new planet also possesses a single moon, though they noted that it appears to orbit and rotate in the complete opposite direction as Earth’s.

“Perhaps most fascinating is the significant amount of evidence indicating that sentient life may already be present on this new planet,” said Brugel, noting that portions of the planet’s surface are illuminated by artificial light at night, a phenomenon scientists say is most prevalent in the planet’s northern hemisphere. “We suspect they may be a significantly advanced society, as our mirror imaging system confirms that there are numerous sophisticated satellites circling the planet.”

“Beyond that, we can only begin to speculate what types of beings such a planet could produce,” he added.

According to sources, a recent unmanned mission to land on the body’s surface was aborted after discovering that life forms on the planet had launched a probe traveling at the same speed on a flight path identical to that of the NASA team. Internal NASA reports indicate that a potential head-on collision was narrowly avoided when both crafts simultaneously changed course at the last second.

“Overall, we’re pleased with our initial findings, and I believe the project has made excellent use of the lessons learned from the Helios Space Lens,” said Brugel, referring to an ill-fated mission in 1992 to provide advanced imaging of the sun using convex lens technology, an experiment which burned down NASA headquarters. “And after further studying deep space via the Orbital Mirror, we also determined that the universe appears to be perfectly symmetrical, a shocking finding that challenges all of our previously held theories.”

At press time, NASA had reportedly launched its Orbital Space Mirror 2 to the side of Earth opposite that of its original Orbital Space Mirror, leading scientists to conclude that there may actually be an infinite number of Earth-like planets stretching outward forever in a straight line through space.

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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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