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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Astronomers Predict Giant Asteroid Will Hit Nation's Theaters This Summer

PALO ALTO, CA–Astronomers at the Palo Alto Observatory warned the U.S. government Monday that a six-mile-wide asteroid will strike movie theaters nationwide this summer. "America's moviegoers are about to be hit from above with non-stop thrills," observatory director Phillip Howard said. "If safety measures are not taken at once, the entire human race is in danger of being blown away by spectacular special effects and non-stop action." Top Clinton cabinet members are meeting with Pentagon officials to see whether a barrage of missiles might destroy the $70 million Paramount Pictures release before it comes dangerously close to a theater near you.

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