adBlockCheck

Sports

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
End Of Section
  • More News

Astros Not Even Good Enough To Play For Pride

HOUSTON—Citing the unbelievable lack of depth at virtually every position on their roster, team sources confirmed Monday that the Houston Astros, who have the worst record in the majors, are not even good enough to play for pride at this point. "It'd be nice to at least have enough scraps of talent to compete for dignity's sake," said Astros outfielder J.D. Martinez, adding that the harder the players try, the more embarrassing the team's performances become. "Obviously we would love to get out there and give it our all for ourselves, our families, the Astros organization, and the fans in Houston. But we'd still suck, so what's the point?" At press time, the Astros were losing.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close