Astros Sold By Best Door-To-Door Salesman In The World

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Vol 47 Issue 21

Restaurant That Never Has Customers Celebrates Fifth Weird Year

CHICAGO—The Royale restaurant near Rogers Park commemorated its fifth weird year of business Monday the same way it celebrated its opening: with a vague attempt to attract customers by stringing brightly colored plastic flags from the mysterious eatery's storefront to a nearby utility pole.

Al-Qaeda's New Leadership

Following Osama bin Laden's death, the Egyptian-born Saif al-Adel has reportedly been named interim leader of al-Qaeda.

Smallpox Destruction Delayed

The World Health Organization has delayed until 2014 its decision on setting a timetable for the destruction of its storehouse of the smallpox virus.
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Astros Sold By Best Door-To-Door Salesman In The World

HOUSTON—Cliff Williams, the No. 1 door-to-door purveyor of electric razors, kitchen knives, and mechanical adding machines, confirmed Friday that he "sealed the deal" on his sale of the Houston Astros to businessman Jim Crane. "I says to Mr. Crane, 60 dimes on the spot, no bumps in the price, and you get yourself a honey of a franchise that'll make your old lady smile," Williams said while snapping his fingers, adding that he closed the deal by tossing in a $50 cash rebate and foul poles at no extra charge. "With some of these ball clubs you have to worry about who’s hitting, who's not. With the Astros, it's all clockwork, baby. Hunter Pence, Carlos Lee—these are real, genuine, top-notch quality ballplayers, I tell ya. And that’s a Cliff Williams guarantee!" Immediately following his comments, Williams hopped on a train to Pawhuska, OK, where he was meeting "some poor schnook" who was interested in purchasing the Los Angeles Dodgers.

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