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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Astros Sold By Best Door-To-Door Salesman In The World

HOUSTON—Cliff Williams, the No. 1 door-to-door purveyor of electric razors, kitchen knives, and mechanical adding machines, confirmed Friday that he "sealed the deal" on his sale of the Houston Astros to businessman Jim Crane. "I says to Mr. Crane, 60 dimes on the spot, no bumps in the price, and you get yourself a honey of a franchise that'll make your old lady smile," Williams said while snapping his fingers, adding that he closed the deal by tossing in a $50 cash rebate and foul poles at no extra charge. "With some of these ball clubs you have to worry about who’s hitting, who's not. With the Astros, it's all clockwork, baby. Hunter Pence, Carlos Lee—these are real, genuine, top-notch quality ballplayers, I tell ya. And that’s a Cliff Williams guarantee!" Immediately following his comments, Williams hopped on a train to Pawhuska, OK, where he was meeting "some poor schnook" who was interested in purchasing the Los Angeles Dodgers.

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