adBlockCheck

Sports

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

Astros Sold By Best Door-To-Door Salesman In The World

HOUSTON—Cliff Williams, the No. 1 door-to-door purveyor of electric razors, kitchen knives, and mechanical adding machines, confirmed Friday that he "sealed the deal" on his sale of the Houston Astros to businessman Jim Crane. "I says to Mr. Crane, 60 dimes on the spot, no bumps in the price, and you get yourself a honey of a franchise that'll make your old lady smile," Williams said while snapping his fingers, adding that he closed the deal by tossing in a $50 cash rebate and foul poles at no extra charge. "With some of these ball clubs you have to worry about who’s hitting, who's not. With the Astros, it's all clockwork, baby. Hunter Pence, Carlos Lee—these are real, genuine, top-notch quality ballplayers, I tell ya. And that’s a Cliff Williams guarantee!" Immediately following his comments, Williams hopped on a train to Pawhuska, OK, where he was meeting "some poor schnook" who was interested in purchasing the Los Angeles Dodgers.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close