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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Astros TV Crew Already Out Of Things To Say About Team

BOSTON—One inning into Sunday’s game between the Houston Astros and the Boston Red Sox, sources confirmed that the Astros’ television broadcasting crew has already run out of things to say about their baseball team. “Top of the second, and, uh, that means we’ve got eight innings to go,” said Houston play-by-play commentator Bill Brown, who along with fellow booth analyst Alan Ashby has reportedly exhausted such Astros-related topics as the team’s recent move to the American League, pitcher Bud Norris’ disappointing start, and the unique turf composition at Houston’s Minute Maid Park. “You know, this year the Astros have had to adjust to life in the AL, and—oh, wait, we just did that. Uh, what do you think, Alan?” At press time, the audio portion of the Houston broadcast had consisted solely of the sound of the two announcers breathing for six full innings.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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