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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Astros TV Crew Already Out Of Things To Say About Team

BOSTON—One inning into Sunday’s game between the Houston Astros and the Boston Red Sox, sources confirmed that the Astros’ television broadcasting crew has already run out of things to say about their baseball team. “Top of the second, and, uh, that means we’ve got eight innings to go,” said Houston play-by-play commentator Bill Brown, who along with fellow booth analyst Alan Ashby has reportedly exhausted such Astros-related topics as the team’s recent move to the American League, pitcher Bud Norris’ disappointing start, and the unique turf composition at Houston’s Minute Maid Park. “You know, this year the Astros have had to adjust to life in the AL, and—oh, wait, we just did that. Uh, what do you think, Alan?” At press time, the audio portion of the Houston broadcast had consisted solely of the sound of the two announcers breathing for six full innings.

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