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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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At-Bat Following Grand Slam Just Kind Of Awkward

HOUSTON—Astros right fielder Hunter Pence expressed consternation following teammate Miguel Tejada's seventh inning grand slam, saying the proceedings took a decided turn for the awkward from that moment on. "Now where does that leave me exactly?" Pence said after the game, referring to the at-bat in question, in which the sixth-place hitter took two called strikes before hitting a check swing grounder to second base. "Not to mention the fact that when I got up there it was 7-0 all of a sudden. Best case, and I'm talking about if everything goes perfectly, I would've driven in one run, maximum. I felt like an idiot." Cardinals pitcher Ryan Franklin, the man who gave up the grand slam in question, calmly retired the next three batters, walked down to the visiting clubhouse, and took his own life.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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