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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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‘At Least We’ll Get A Better Draft Pick,’ Reports Patriots Fan Rationalizing Deep, Pervasive Sadness

BOSTON—Searching for some silver lining in his team’s 26-16 loss in Sunday’s AFC Championship Game, 32-year-old Patriots fan Daniel Lowery reportedly attempted to rationalize his deep, utterly consuming sadness by claiming New England would have an improved pick at the 2014 NFL Draft. “You know, we probably wouldn’t have beaten the 49ers or Seahawks in the Super Bowl anyway, so it’s better to go out now and then move up a few spots with our first-round pick in May,” said Lowery, reportedly trying his utmost to mitigate his sweeping disappointment and heartbreak at his team coming up just short of a Super Bowl appearance. “One or two spots in the first round can really make a huge difference. Plus, we already have a great foundation, so if we can just get healthy next year and pick up a solid rookie, we can make a real run at the Super Bowl next season.” In a desperate effort to mask his extreme, inescapable despair, Lowery then confirmed his hopes that the loss would give the Patriots a better chance of landing star Alabama linebacker C.J. Mosley.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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