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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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At Moment Like This, Tebow Doesn’t Know Who To Turn To

NEW YORK—Following his release from the New York Jets, NFL quarterback Tim Tebow told reporters Monday that at a moment of distress and confusion such as this, he is unsure who to turn to. “At times of uncertainty, it is sometimes not immediately obvious what the league has in store for you next,” said Tebow, adding that though he is frustrated with the lot he has been given, it is not his place to question the will of the Jets’ front office. “Even in this, my darkest hour, I can take comfort in the existence of a higher power who will protect me and take me in, such as [Chicago Bears general manager] Phil Emery. Or perhaps the big man upstairs, [Dallas Cowboys owner] Jerry Jones, holds the key.” Though Tebow emphasized that he remains unsure of what purpose the league has for him, many football analysts said they expect the quarterback will ultimately end up walking in the healing light of the Canadian Football League.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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