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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Atheist Swayed By Claymation Story Of Christ

GRAND ISLAND, NE–Atheist Marcia Prewitt was converted to a life of devotion to the Lord following Sunday's viewing of the claymation movie The Miracle Maker. "I'd heard a lot of preaching and teaching about Christ throughout my life," Prewitt said, "but it took a clay-animated, Ralph Fiennes-voiced portrayal of Jesus to make me realize just how good and how wonderful He really is. I just wish everyone with confusion and strife in their heart could discover the healing truths of this cartoon."

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