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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

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Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

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Athlete Arrested

HOUSTON—According to numerous sources, a star athlete of the city’s professional sports team was reportedly arrested in the late hours of yesterday evening.

A police report confirmed that the high-profile player faces multiple charges, including driving while intoxicated and illegal gun possession. He is also alleged to have resisted arrest as officers attempted to take him into custody.

The athlete has reportedly posted bail and was released this morning.

“We will be cooperating fully with the authorities,” the player’s lawyer told reporters, stressing that his client plans to enter a not guilty plea on the felony counts. “There have been a host of reports in the press that are not accurate. As with any case of this nature, there were various factors at play here, many of which have not yet been brought to light.”

“I would ask fans and media to simply withhold judgment until all the facts have been disclosed,” the attorney added.

The athlete, one of the most prominent stars in the league, is in the middle of a six-year, multi-million-dollar contract, and sources confirmed that his arrest has cast significant doubt on his future with his team.

If convicted, the player could reportedly face potential jail time.

“We are aware of the incident, and the player will be dealt with accordingly as more details are made clear,” read an official statement from the athlete’s team, which also confirmed that the head coach has already spoken with the player over the phone. “However, before we have more information, we will have no further comment on the matter.”

According to sources familiar with the situation, the player has been suspended indefinitely pending the investigation, per the terms of the league’s personal conduct policy. The player will also reportedly have a private meeting with the league commissioner later this week.

“This type of behavior is completely unacceptable, and it will not be tolerated,” said a league spokesperson. “We do not yet know the full story, but at the least it appears as though the player made several incredibly poor decisions leading to the events in question, and he will be held accountable should these allegations prove to be true.”

A recent first-round draft pick and former star player in college, the athlete has reportedly had several prior run-ins with the law, including a highly publicized physical altercation at a nightclub during his rookie season. He is also the second player on his team to be arrested this year, as one of his teammates was said to be charged with a misdemeanor for drug possession earlier in the season and was subsequently suspended for several games.

Reports of the arrest have already sparked intense debate around the nation, with some calling for the one-time all-star to be immediately released by the franchise.

Moreover, sources confirmed that the athlete is already at risk of losing several of his highly lucrative sponsorship deals due to widespread public backlash from the supposed incident.

“He’s disgraced not only himself, but also his family, his organization, and the league as a whole,” said one ESPN analyst, adding that the player “has a big responsibility to be a role model to millions of kids out there.” “He should be absolutely ashamed of himself. Honestly, I’d be amazed if he’s still wearing that uniform next season.”

“They signed him knowing his history and his previous disciplinary problems,” the pundit continued. “So it doesn’t come as a huge surprise, unfortunately. The front office knew that he was immensely talented but had serious character flaws.”

At press time, the athlete had released a written statement to the media, claiming that he is “deeply sorry for his regrettable actions” and “will do whatever is necessary to regain the trust of [his] team, the league, and the fans.”

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