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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Athlete Praised For Being Competitive

KNOXVILLE, TN—CBS college basketball commentators Billy Packer and Vern Lundquist took time during Sunday's Kentucky-Tennessee basketball game, a competition played with the goal of producing a victor, to praise Volunteers senior guard Chris Lofton, whose job on the team is to aid the team in winning, for being competitive. "Lofton loves competition—he'll try to beat you any way he can," Lundquist said of Lofton, whose function on the team is to produce points while preventing the other team from doing so in turn. "He's just one of those athletes who really wants to win and hates to lose." Packer echoed his colleague's thoughts, adding that Lofton was "a real basketball player" and "quite an athlete."

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