adBlockCheck

Sports

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
End Of Section
  • More News

Athlete-Stalker Bill Ansler Retires At The Top Of The Stalking Game

His face has been part of the landscape of all the major female sporting events of the past 25 years: peeking into the locker room at Wimbledon, sneering from the back row at UConn Lady Huskies games, even masturbating right on the ice while Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding engaged in their famous practice skate.

Now, legendary stalker Bill Ansler is calling it a career. And what a disgusting, perverted, distinguished career it has been:

  • 1986 - begins a distinguished career with some raw, powerful stalking, lifting Mary Lou Retton out of a chair and running with her for over two miles
  • 1998 - during Picabo Street's gold medal ceremony, Ansler is able to vault the podium and steal a quick hump
  • 2002 - becomes the only man to get inside the head of the normally unflappable Michelle Kwan, prompting the skating champion to say she is "afraid for her life"
  • 2003 - decries the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue, calling it "fish in a barrel"
  • 2007 - first man to break the WNBA roster barrier, stalking every single member of the Phoenix Mercury
  • 2008 - finds the elusive Lorena Ochoa on vacation, becoming the first man to stalk the LPGA champ in her exclusive Fiji island estate

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close