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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Athlete-Stalker Bill Ansler Retires At The Top Of The Stalking Game

His face has been part of the landscape of all the major female sporting events of the past 25 years: peeking into the locker room at Wimbledon, sneering from the back row at UConn Lady Huskies games, even masturbating right on the ice while Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding engaged in their famous practice skate.

Now, legendary stalker Bill Ansler is calling it a career. And what a disgusting, perverted, distinguished career it has been:

  • 1986 - begins a distinguished career with some raw, powerful stalking, lifting Mary Lou Retton out of a chair and running with her for over two miles
  • 1998 - during Picabo Street's gold medal ceremony, Ansler is able to vault the podium and steal a quick hump
  • 2002 - becomes the only man to get inside the head of the normally unflappable Michelle Kwan, prompting the skating champion to say she is "afraid for her life"
  • 2003 - decries the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue, calling it "fish in a barrel"
  • 2007 - first man to break the WNBA roster barrier, stalking every single member of the Phoenix Mercury
  • 2008 - finds the elusive Lorena Ochoa on vacation, becoming the first man to stalk the LPGA champ in her exclusive Fiji island estate

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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

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