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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Athlete-Stalker Bill Ansler Retires At The Top Of The Stalking Game

His face has been part of the landscape of all the major female sporting events of the past 25 years: peeking into the locker room at Wimbledon, sneering from the back row at UConn Lady Huskies games, even masturbating right on the ice while Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding engaged in their famous practice skate.

Now, legendary stalker Bill Ansler is calling it a career. And what a disgusting, perverted, distinguished career it has been:

  • 1986 - begins a distinguished career with some raw, powerful stalking, lifting Mary Lou Retton out of a chair and running with her for over two miles
  • 1998 - during Picabo Street's gold medal ceremony, Ansler is able to vault the podium and steal a quick hump
  • 2002 - becomes the only man to get inside the head of the normally unflappable Michelle Kwan, prompting the skating champion to say she is "afraid for her life"
  • 2003 - decries the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue, calling it "fish in a barrel"
  • 2007 - first man to break the WNBA roster barrier, stalking every single member of the Phoenix Mercury
  • 2008 - finds the elusive Lorena Ochoa on vacation, becoming the first man to stalk the LPGA champ in her exclusive Fiji island estate

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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