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Athlete-Stalker Bill Ansler Retires At The Top Of The Stalking Game

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RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

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Athlete-Stalker Bill Ansler Retires At The Top Of The Stalking Game

His face has been part of the landscape of all the major female sporting events of the past 25 years: peeking into the locker room at Wimbledon, sneering from the back row at UConn Lady Huskies games, even masturbating right on the ice while Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding engaged in their famous practice skate.

Now, legendary stalker Bill Ansler is calling it a career. And what a disgusting, perverted, distinguished career it has been:

  • 1986 - begins a distinguished career with some raw, powerful stalking, lifting Mary Lou Retton out of a chair and running with her for over two miles
  • 1998 - during Picabo Street's gold medal ceremony, Ansler is able to vault the podium and steal a quick hump
  • 2002 - becomes the only man to get inside the head of the normally unflappable Michelle Kwan, prompting the skating champion to say she is "afraid for her life"
  • 2003 - decries the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue, calling it "fish in a barrel"
  • 2007 - first man to break the WNBA roster barrier, stalking every single member of the Phoenix Mercury
  • 2008 - finds the elusive Lorena Ochoa on vacation, becoming the first man to stalk the LPGA champ in her exclusive Fiji island estate

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