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Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Athletes Arrive In Sochi For 2-Week Living Nightmare

SOCHI, RUSSIA—Traveling from 88 nations around the world, hundreds of athletes reportedly arrived in Sochi this week in order to participate in a two-week-long waking nightmare. “Just got to the Olympic Village!” said U.S. skier Lauren Price, who like her fellow Olympians will spend the next half month in mortal terror while under constant, intrusive surveillance by police forces desperately trying to preserve safety and calm. “So excited for [a harrowing, hellish experience that may well include full-scale security lockdowns, dismal living conditions, contaminated water, direct threats to my life, insufficient city infrastructure, and human rights abuses occurring in plain sight].” Sources confirmed the very best outcome any athlete could hope for was that the pet project of a corrupt, bigoted regime would be carried out exactly according to plan.

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