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Sports

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

NFL Loses Rights To ‘Super Bowl’

NEW YORK—After failing to agree to terms for a new licensing agreement before the February 3 deadline, the NFL lost the rights to the term “Super Bowl” on Friday, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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Athletes Arrive In Sochi For 2-Week Living Nightmare

SOCHI, RUSSIA—Traveling from 88 nations around the world, hundreds of athletes reportedly arrived in Sochi this week in order to participate in a two-week-long waking nightmare. “Just got to the Olympic Village!” said U.S. skier Lauren Price, who like her fellow Olympians will spend the next half month in mortal terror while under constant, intrusive surveillance by police forces desperately trying to preserve safety and calm. “So excited for [a harrowing, hellish experience that may well include full-scale security lockdowns, dismal living conditions, contaminated water, direct threats to my life, insufficient city infrastructure, and human rights abuses occurring in plain sight].” Sources confirmed the very best outcome any athlete could hope for was that the pet project of a corrupt, bigoted regime would be carried out exactly according to plan.

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Sixth Super Bowl Win Continues To Elude Patriots

HOUSTON—As disappointed players and coaches returned to the locker room following the end of Super Bowl LI, members of the New England Patriots acknowledged to reporters Sunday that the team’s sixth Super Bowl title continues to elude them.

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