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Athletes Can Play Through Those Injuries, Says Man Who Gets Sore From Sitting Too Long

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

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Athletes Can Play Through Those Injuries, Says Man Who Gets Sore From Sitting Too Long

NEW YORK—Despite his incessant complaints that resting his buttocks on a chair for prolonged periods of time causes him discomfort and pain, a man paid to provide sports analysis insisted Sunday that athletes should be able to play regardless of injuries attained through physical action. "The second they get nicked up they want to spend the game sitting on the bench drinking Gatorade," said the man, who "tweaked" his knee last week when he stood up for a moment during a commercial break. "It's pathetic how pampered and soft these athletes today are. Hold on, just adjusting my cushion here for a second." The man, who said during the broadcast that playing through pain is what separates the men from the boys, reportedly had a terrible night's sleep in his hotel suite because the silk pillowcase felt too smooth on his face.

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