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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Atlanta-Area Church To Burn Ceremonially Throughout Olympics

ATLANTA, GA—In a moving display of the Olympic spirit, the First Baptist Church of Atlanta will burn ceremonially throughout the entirety of the 1996 Summer Games. The 950-member church officially began its 17-day burn Friday evening with a dramatic church-lighting ceremony. “Let this church inspire all the athletes assembled here to reach higher than they ever dared to dream,” said William Grommer, U.S. Olympic Committee president. “Each day the flames rise from the First Baptist Church, our Olympic pride grows stronger.” Following Grommer’s dedication speech, Grammy-winning pop superstar Celine Dion sang the official Olympic church-burning theme song, “The Colors of the Congregation.”

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