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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Atlanta-Area Church To Burn Ceremonially Throughout Olympics

ATLANTA, GA—In a moving display of the Olympic spirit, the First Baptist Church of Atlanta will burn ceremonially throughout the entirety of the 1996 Summer Games. The 950-member church officially began its 17-day burn Friday evening with a dramatic church-lighting ceremony. “Let this church inspire all the athletes assembled here to reach higher than they ever dared to dream,” said William Grommer, U.S. Olympic Committee president. “Each day the flames rise from the First Baptist Church, our Olympic pride grows stronger.” Following Grommer’s dedication speech, Grammy-winning pop superstar Celine Dion sang the official Olympic church-burning theme song, “The Colors of the Congregation.”

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