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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Atlanta-Area Church To Burn Ceremonially Throughout Olympics

ATLANTA, GA—In a moving display of the Olympic spirit, the First Baptist Church of Atlanta will burn ceremonially throughout the entirety of the 1996 Summer Games. The 950-member church officially began its 17-day burn Friday evening with a dramatic church-lighting ceremony. “Let this church inspire all the athletes assembled here to reach higher than they ever dared to dream,” said William Grommer, U.S. Olympic Committee president. “Each day the flames rise from the First Baptist Church, our Olympic pride grows stronger.” Following Grommer’s dedication speech, Grammy-winning pop superstar Celine Dion sang the official Olympic church-burning theme song, “The Colors of the Congregation.”

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