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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Atlanta Fans Smile Politely Through Entire NHL All-Star Game

ATLANTA—Describing the experience as "nice" and "interesting," nearly 19,000 Atlanta residents filled Atlanta's Philips Arena for the National Hockey League's annual All-Star Game, being careful to smile politely throughout the entire hour-long contest. "I certainly had a pleasant time," 54-year-old Darren Holbrook said on his way to the parking lot, though he added that he most likely would not attend another hockey game in the near future. "Those young men on the ice seemed to really be enjoying themselves, so it would have been rude for us not to give them our undivided attention." Most fans in attendance echoed Holbrook's sentiments, but added that had the game gone on much longer, they would have politely excused themselves and gone home.

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